There are several different ways that I could write this in an effort to sugarcoat it a bit, but the truth is that the holiday season is often very difficult for couples struggling with infertility.
In general, and as they should be, the holidays are about families. The gifts, cookies, and treats are nice, but it’s spending time as a family that counts. In other words, babies and kids are everywhere.
While couples struggling with infertility often enjoy spending time with extended family, including holding the new babies and playing with kids, it can be a big reminder that they are still waiting for their turn.
It’s hard on everyone, to some degree. Friends and loved ones often don’t know what to say in the face of infertility. They tend to rely on clichés or attempts at humor that fall flat or, worse, result in hurt feelings. Believe me, I’ve heard it all.
That said, below are ten things that you should NEVER say to your friend or loved one who is struggling with infertility:
1. “Maybe it’s not the right time”: If it’s the right time for millions of other people, why shouldn’t it be the right time for your friend? First rule of pregnancy: There is no “right” time.
2. “It’s God’s will”: Does anyone really believe in a God who grants some people children in an instant but makes others struggle for years and endure horrible medical treatments? I certainly hope not.
3. “It’s not in God’s plan for you”: See #2. Also, you never really know what another person believes. In general, it’s best to leave religion out of it.
4. “It will happen when you least expect it”: When you’re expecting it to happen every single month, this just doesn’t apply. Also, it kind of puts blame on the couple. As if willing it to happen is actually having the opposite effect.
5. “You need to relax”: I find that, in general, people who say this popped out a few babies quickly. They know little about Clomid, hormones, miscarriage, and messed up cycles. Relaxing and infertility treatments do not go hand in hand (even if they should).
6. “At least you can drink”: Most (probably all) women dealing with infertility would gladly give up the glass of wine to have the baby. Since they don’t have the baby, they need the wine to get through the family dinner.
7. “One day you will have a house full of kids”: Are you willing to bet your mortgage on that? Of course that’s what they’re hoping for, but clichés and grand statements get old quickly.
8. “You can have mine! Believe me, you’re the lucky one right now”: The jokes about giving away your kids are among the most hurtful. Try to remember that this person is probably feeling desperate at times. All she wants is one little tiny baby. She doesn’t feel lucky at all.
9. “I have the best doctor. You should definitely see him right away”: Assume that your friend has either consulted another doctor or is working with an infertility specialist. Honestly, when you see your doctor constantly, you tend to love him. I did. And if I didn’t, I would have switched doctors early on.
10. “Enjoy the quiet house”: Your friend is hoping against hope to end up with a loud house full of small voices. Assume that your friend has made the most of the quiet moments and is ready for something different. Trying to point out that you wish you had what she has is hurtful; you both know it’s not true.
Let’s end on a few things that you can say to help your friend. It’s always best to end on a positive.
1. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I would love to be there for you”: Lack of experience in infertility doesn’t mean that you can’t be a good listener.
2. “This must be a really hard time for you. I’m here when you need me”: Sometimes we really just need an escape hatch. Provide that for your friend.
3. “I can’t stop thinking about you. What can I do to help?”: It’s really hard to ask for help when your friends are busy with kids and work. It feels like an imposition. Give your friend the green light to lean on you and she just might do it.
And for the 7.3 million Americans out there struggling with infertility this holiday season…I’m here for you. I know how hard it is to try to balance all of your emotions this time of year. I think the best advice I can give you is to be a little selfish and focus on your needs, and to be honest with those around you. Take a little advice from John Mayer and “say what you need to say”. Your friends can only help you if they know what you need.
What things have been said to you that only made you feel worse? What would you want your friends to say instead?
This is perfect Katie. I have had every single one of those “don’ts” said to me and it is terrible. I used to try to tell myself that people mean well but that only works for so long. I got to the point where I avoided social situations after a while because I just couldn’t take the comments.
It can be really isolating. I did the same thing…tried to just avoid social interactions so that I wouldn’t get hurt. But then I felt very alone.
Great, great “don’ts,” Katie. My SIL is struggling with infertility right now and she told me recently how hurtful it is to hear some of those statements – especially the drinking one, she said. Like that makes a difference when you are desperate for a baby. Thanks.
I’m so sorry your SIL is going through this. It’s just so hard, but especially around the holidays. Please send her my way if she needs an extra listener.
On the day I found out our ivf had failed – again … my girlfriend said, ‘why don’t you just give up on all that nonsense and just enjoy the one you have …
Oh my offing G, can I go slap her for you?? That is one of the most insensitive things I have ever heard.
That’s just the most insensitive thing a person could say. It’s one thing to have difficulty understanding, but it’s another to rattle off hurtful statements. I’m so sorry you had to hear that.
Some of these are obvious (I hope), some are terribly insensitive (really, who says this stuff) and some gave me food for thought cause I’m notorious for sticking my foot in my mouth. Also, thanks for all the positive alternatives!
I so wish they were all obvious. Unfortunately when people don’t know what to say, they sometimes say things that come out all wrong. Sigh.
Thank you so much for posting this! So many people just do not understand infertility, and the insensitive comments show that they do not care. I also liked that you went over what is appropriate to say. That is also very important!
You are very welcome. If I could shout it from outer space for all to hear…I would. It’s something that people don’t think about until after the fact, and by then feelings are hurt.
Katie – Great post. There certainly needs to be more awareness and sensitivity surrounding infertility. Some people are just so naive and it’s great that you are raising this awareness!
Thanks, Jen! I feel like if I can channel my experiences into helping a few others, I might actually do some good. Thanks for your support
Thank you for giving suggestions for what TO say.
I sometimes say the wrong thing b/c I feel like I should say something… but it comes out wrong and trite.
I thought about writing that as a separate post, but I wanted to have an answer to the question, “but what SHOULD I say?”. Even though I’ve been through it, it’s still hard when you’re in the moment bc everyone is different.
What a great post! I worked with several women who were dealing with infertility and it was heartbreaking. Recently, somebody I know had a miscarriage. This is such great advice and a reminder of how sensitive these topics are.
Thanks, Christina. Hoping it helps a few…
I think sometimes we say things without even thinking how they will affect the other person. I’m sure I have made the wrong comments to someone struggling with infertility without even thinking about it. Thank you for the reminder to watch what I say.
Absolutely. It’s hard to find the right words in the moment.
Katie, this is a great post. If only I could have printed this and passed it out at weddings, holidays, and get togethers. You are amazing.
The worst comment I heard, over and over again, was “Well, at least it’s fun trying!! (to conceive) Um…are you kidding me? When sex becomes a means to an end, when it’s timed, when you’re using special positions etc etc, it’s hardly fun! It’s stressful on a marriage.
I also wanted to comment about the secondary fertility issue. After we had our daughter (years of struggle first), I heard that comment “Well, at least you have one!” over and over again as well. The best response to that comment was something my friend told me. When I explained how I was sick of people telling me that I was lucky to have one, she said “How dumb is that! That’s like saying, ‘Well, you should be happy you have one leg! I mean, just because you have one leg, doesn’t mean you don’t want or need two!” Lol…it was a lighthearted moment, but it rang very true for me. I used that rebuttal sometimes.
I really appreciate this article. So many people think they are being helpful with the most hurtful statements. While I was having my boys, a good friend was struggling with infertility as everyone around her was having babies. I always just told her I loved her and if she wanted to talk I was there – and sometimes she did. She and her husband are now the proud parents of 2 of the most beautiful and vivacious little girls.
Good post. I learn something new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon every day.
It’s always helpful to read through content from other writers and practice a little something from their sites.
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