You can read this study and wonder if you’ve made the right choice, the best choice, for your family. You can think about the alternatives and long to be in the group that seems to have it all figured out. You can let the guilt wash over you as you silently tally up the times you’ve felt isolated, depressed, or questioned your parenting skills or choices.
You can do all of that, but that won’t do you any good.
You can watch this upcoming TV segment and become enraged that such a segment even exits. You can blame Anderson Cooper and lash out at the moms who willingly participated in a show that perpetuates the “mom wars” among us. You can take to Twitter, Facebook, and Google + to air your grievances against Anderson Cooper, The Huffington Post, and any other “news” outlet joining the “mom wars” bandwagon.
You can do all of that too, but that probably won’t do you any good either.
The segments will air and the articles will be published. They will say what they want to say and spin it to get more viewers. As John Mayer once pointed out, “when they own the information, they can bend it all they want.” That’s the power of media.
The real question is why does such a study even exist? How did parenting become so difficult that more and more moms (and dads) are reporting symptoms of depression and anxiety and relying on medications? When did life become so difficult?
And, most importantly, what can we do to stop this cycle?
We are living in difficult economic times. That is no longer considered news. Most families include two working parents. Many parents work more than one job to make ends meet. Health insurance is not to be taken for granted.
Social isolation plays a big role in the world of the stay at home parent, particularly when the kids are very young. Competition among moms is high for a variety of reasons. Mom guilt lurks around every corner. So does the financial guilt stay home moms experience when times are tough and the financial responsibility relies on the other parent.
Every parent has stress right now. Every parent has happiness right now. Every parent experiences a little bit of both.
The challenge is to find more support for parents everywhere (both working and non-working) so that fewer people experience symptoms of depression and anxiety overall.
Because the people who truly lose in all of this are our children.
Infants and children pick up on stress, depression, and anxiety. Studies have shown depressed affect in infants of mothers struggling with depression. Children imitate those symptoms. They start to experience difficulty sleeping, low appetite, social isolation, frequent tantrums, and other behavior issues. They don’t deserve any of this. They deserve to roll down hills, run through the sand, and chase butterflies. They deserve to experience the unbridled happiness that should be taken for granted during childhood.
If our kids grow up unhappy because we were too busy arguing, comparing, and wallowing in what could have been, then all of this is meaningless. Our day-to-day lives might be very different, but our goals are probably very similar. We all want to raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids who will one day go on to do the same.
Instead of focusing on the negative by arguing over who has it the best, who endures the most stress, or who is the “best” mom, I say we all band together and form a unified front against these so-called “mom wars”.
Because, at the end of the day, every mom has a similar story to tell. Every mom has once been covered head to toe in vomit with a kid in each arm while willing the washing machine to work just a little bit faster. Every mom has fought back tears when leaving a child behind for the first time. And every mom has fought to protect their child in one way or another. We are not that different, all of us moms. In fact, we are very much the same.
So let’s make a deal: Let’s agree to stand tall as a group and stop feeding into the “mom wars” frenzy.
Let’s:
Provide support to one another, because #allmomsrock.
Stop judging.
Help another mom in need.
Focus on the positive.
And…
Stand up against the “mom wars”.
We all have a story to tell. Let’s share our stories and listen to the stories of others. Let’s celebrate our differences and make every effort to learn something new along the way. Let’s be the friends that we want our children to be. Let’s stop this “war” and give the media one less topic to cover.
If Verizon Wireless customers all over this country can, in a single night, stop Verizon from adding extra charges to their wireless plans, just imagine what the moms can do if we really join forces.
And that, once again, brings us back to The Mom Code.
What do you say moms? Are you with me?
Perfectly put. Each and every word.
Every family has to do what is best for her and her family. That’s it. There should be no judgement and no arguing.
Thank you for writing this, Katie.
Thank you, Tonya. The judging and arguing is so exhausting and counterproductive. What does it teach our children? Sigh. Let’s hope we can all reach a supportive place soon. And thank you for yours.
I’m with you.
Thank you, Carolyn.
So well said! I hate the ‘great debates” of motherhood, breast or bottle, co-sleep or own room, homeschool or mainstream. We should all be supporting each others choices and helping it work for everyone instead of needing to justify our own choices by declaring everyone else wrong. I purposely shut down any gossipy conversation that allows for Mum-bashing, maybe if we all stopped engaging in this rubbish we can find the energy to give positive encouragement instead.
I completely agree with you. Sometimes walking away from it is the best way to send the message. The world is a better place when we help each other out.
You know I am with you. I am always with you! Yes, I was enraged by the Anderson debacle. Yes, I ranted. I don’t blame the media, but I do think we need to hold them accountable for their blatant attempts to perpetuate the “mommy wars” in order to make a profit. It’s disgusting.
Most importantly, however, as you so eloquently put, we need to hold ourselves accountable. And that is what The Mom Pledge is all about. Rising above the “debate” and providing support to one another. Learning from each other. And understanding that we are all doing the best we can. I’ve been working hard toward that end, and when I see something like the promo Anderson has running for his show, it makes me very, very discouraged. Because those who work to perpetuate the “mommy wars” are having much more success than I am at trying to end them.
Elizabeth-
I hope you know this was not at all about your thoughts on Anderson…I completely understand it. I had the same thought at first. But the underlying thought remains, how did we get here and how can we get somewhere else? If not for us, at least for our kids. We all deserve better.
Whether or not you’re seeing immediate results, you are doing so much good. The more we talk about it, the more we progress. Keep it up!
Fabulous piece, Katie. Anderson should know better! Without support from other moms (parents) we can’t get very far. We must support each other, even when the going gets tough and we have to resist the temptation to put other moms down.
Thank you, Christina! Yes, you are so right. We have to resist that urge and focus on the positive. Together we can make parenting a much less stressful journey.
Very nicely put! I sgree totally!
Thank you so very much
Amen, girlfriend!
{Perfectly done.}
You…what to say to you? You’ve got it down! You know support better than anyone out there! And for you, I am very grateful. Thank you.
Head bobbing in agreement!!
Love that! Thank you
In addition to passing on stress to our children, the mom wars are not doing us (or anyone) any favors in the role modeling department. Like you said, everyone likely wants to the same thing—to raise well-adjusted, caring, happy, and productive children. But if all we teach our children is that passing judgment on others is the norm, then we won’t get very far in reaching our mutual childrearing goal. If empathy was the guiding force, maybe we could all reach a place of support and peace. Well said, Katie.
If only empathy was the guiding force….
That’s just it, isn’t it? Do we really want to teach our children to be so judgmental? Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, and for your support.
Well, I guess not even Anderson Cooper is above pandering to the ratings gods of daytime TV. Yuck. Great piece — yes, kids pick up on their moms’ feelings, whether or not those moms work outside the home.
Ha! Yes, these little ones of ours know exactly what is going on. And we need to do better.
Yes, yes and yes. Just last week, I wrote a post about mom wars, which is to be published tomorrow. My view is basically the same as yours!
Alison – Please send me a link to your post when it is up. Thanks!
Thanks, Alison. Looking forward to reading your post!
Beautiful, eloquent and true. Well done, sweet friend. With you always. Xoxo
Thank you, Jenny. xoxo
I couldn’t agree more. I find the whole concept of “mom wars” so strange. There are plenty of other wars going on in the world, and certainly enough name-calling from the so-called adults in politics. Why on earth do moms want to plunge into this type of behavior? We’re better than that!
Yes, we are! You are right…there is enough to fight about without resorting to this.
This post is written so well. You are saying what many of us think and believe. We need to support one another more – I am always frustrated when parents brag consistently about their children. It’s hard not to compare when that happens, but I try to let it go when I feel that way. I really enjoyed this post!
Thank you so much. I completely understand your reaction to the bragging…it’s hard not to compare when it feels like it’s in your face every second! I try to just take a deep breath, walk away, and remember that I’m always doing my best on any given day.
Totally with you. I never ever understood the purpose of debating who parents better. Man/woman; stay home/ working parent. It doesn’t make sense to me because parenting is down right hard. Period. What works for the Smiths may not work for me.
Love this!
It’s so true…there is no such thing as “parenting better”! I had a great Twitter chat about potty training with a group of moms earlier today and all I could think was, “THIS is what it’s all about”. We all have different experiences to share, and in doing so we help each other out. What’s the downside there? Thanks for stopping by
RIGHT on — love your idea that we should create a wave like verizon customers did!
The whole debate is absurd and definitely is NOT news -
Absurd is a GREAT word for it!
So true. and awesome. Let’s stop this madness and the perpetuation of it. xoxo
Why must there always be something to fight about when it comes to women? Sigh. xoxo back at you, my friend.
We are all trying our best and our best is all we need. Comparing one person’s parenting to another’s is irrelevant because no two parents have the same family dynamic, family history, …nor the same kids! Pulling together and helping/supporting each other is THE necessary step in assuring a safer, better world for everyone on the planet. Thanks for this post.
Yes, that’s exactly it. Our best is all we need. Thank you.
THank you so much for this article. It is very powerful and very true.
You are very welcome. Thank YOU for taking the time to read it
Definitely! What happened to “it takes a Village”? I think over time and generationally its come to this, competitive nature…bigger, better, faster. And the surge of information readily at our finger tips, our grandmothers didn’t have books or internet to help them parent. Its was their mothers, aunts, sisters, other women in their communities or villages.
Truly, I don’t know where “it takes a village went”. It’s the only parenting strategy that really makes sense
Great, great, great. I love how you captured this issue katie. I’ve been reading about it everywhere – I think now it’s time I watch the Anderson Cooper segment.
Thanks, Missy! I’m just tuning in now
Very well written. Thank you!
Thank you!
As many have already noted, this post is wonderfully, wonderfully written. Thank you for writing it, and for doing what you do to make this world just a little bit better! Or a LOT bit.
I shared this on FB and said, among other things, “If everyone read this, the world would be a better place.”
Recently my hubby and I made the decision for me to come home and have another baby. I had a full-time job and we were struggling very much even at that. It was a purely faith-based decision and one that has (much to my chagrin) caused me much guilt and doubt, although ultimately I know it was the right thing for us. Thank you for validating those feelings that I’m sure all of us SAHMs share!
And, incidentally, my husband is an MFT. I watch him and what he does in absolute AWE. I’m a psych undergrad (apparently for the next few years now lol) and love to surround myself with good examples of what I want to do and be someday. You are most DEFinitely one of them now!!! So thank you, and God bless you and yours. I’ll be following along from now on!