I overheard a disturbing conversation a couple of weeks ago. Two parents were discussing when it is considered “ok” to hit a child. Just like that, in a public place, they discussed negative behaviors that would justify corporal punishment.
It turned my stomach. I distanced myself in an instant. The thought of ever laying an aggressive touch on an innocent little child makes me want to vomit. Truly, I can’t even handle the thought.
Those two parents are not alone. Studies show that up to 65% of parents still use spanking as a form of discipline in this country. The age of child most likely to be spanked? Three. Years. Old.
I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
I have a three year old. He is sweet, funny, talkative, energetic, and always very busy. He has never once made any choice that ever caused me to even consider laying an aggressive hand on him.
Never.
Toddlers and preschoolers can be challenging. If you have one, this comes as no surprise. They test limits, get over-stimulated quickly, and have some very large meltdowns. It’s what they do.
Managing emotions is difficult for many adults (hence my profession), so it stands to reason that it is difficult for small children as well.
It’s our job to teach our children how to manage and cope with overwhelming emotions. It’s our job to teach them right from wrong and help them learn to make good choices. If we don’t teach them, who will?
Here are a few things that don’t work:
- Spanking or hitting (or whatever else you want to call it)
- Belittling
- Sarcasm (they might not understand the context, but they understand that it’s meant to hurt)
- Teasing (in private or in public)
- Making them write “I won’t hit again” over and over until their arms hurt
All of these behaviors fall under the umbrella of “bullying”. All over this country people are fighting to put an end to bullying that occurs in schools. Here’s the catch: More often than not, bullying is learned at home.
If you don’t want your child to bully others, why on Earth would you bully your child?
Children who are disciplined aggressively can suffer devastating long terms consequences: Anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and use of aggression to cope with difficult emotions. They are also more likely to hit their own children in the future.
Are you with me now?
Below are some strategies for using positive discipline to help your children learn and grow. Because hitting is never ever ok…
1. Structure & Limits: I often have parents complain that their kids don’t follow any rules or listen, but when I ask them if the house rules are understood and visible the answer is always no. Create reasonable limits and adjust by age. Make sure your children understand those limits. Make a copy of the house rules (using pictures for pre-readers) and place it in the kitchen. You can’t expect them to internalize your house rules if you haven’t clearly explained them and repeated them often. Structure your days. Young children respond well to a predictable environment. This doesn’t mean that you have to eat every meal at the exact same minute every single day, but try to stay on schedule as much as possible so that your kids know what comes next.
2. Positive Reinforcement: Positive energy is contagious (as is negative energy). Why not go with a positive vibe? Children respond well to praise. They tend to want to please their parents and make good choices. When you praise positive behaviors and choices, you empower your child to repeat those behaviors and choices. It’s much easier to point out positives then to spend your days saying no.
3. Relaxation Breaks: Kids make poor choices at times. It’s part of growing up. That doesn’t mean that they need to lose a week of TV because of it (which, by the way, is also a punishment for you). Reframe the concept of “time out” and call it a relaxation break. Have a box of quiet time toys stored away for those occasions when your child needs some time alone. Set a timer (the minute by age thing works for ages 3+). Try not to think of the quiet time toys as a reward. The point is that your child is taking a break and calming down. When the timer runs out, talk to your child about what went wrong and what he should do the next time.
4. Time Ins: Often young children act out when they need more attention. When the negative behaviors start, try to stop the action for a moment and come up with an activity that you can do together. This is also known as distraction. Sometimes young children need to shift their focus and have some 1:1 time with mom or dad. I often talk to parents about increasing the amount of “special time” they spend with each child. Life is busy and work, chores, and smart phones can get in the way of quality time. Try to be aware of your child’s needs and make time for good old-fashioned play time.
5. Toy Time Outs: Are you kids fighting over toys or are certain toys simply too over-stimulating? Have your child choose a special place to put the toy and just give that toy a rest for a while. Find a quiet activity (puzzles, drawing, and play doh are always good choices) to help de-stress your child. Regulating emotions is difficult work. When Liam gets too excited while playing with certain cars, we usually just agree to put those cars in their special place and try something else. He is generally as relieved as I am when the action slows down for a little while.
6. Natural Consequences: Believe it or not, often your children are so upset by the natural consequences of their actions that no further intervention is necessary (aside from maybe a little empathy). In a calm and unemotional voice, help your child understand that throwing toys might cause those toys to break, refusing to share will cause others to refuse to share, and yelling will cause people to walk away. Be quick to help them choose a positive replacement behavior instead. They know when their choices have negative results. Repeatedly stating this in an angry voice will only cause children to feel worthless or “bad”. Help them problem-solve ways to fix the situation (toys can be glued, apologies can be made, etc.) to relieve that feeling of helplessness.
7. Rewards: Kids like to earn stuff. When Sean recently tried to buy something for Riley at Target she said, “No; I’m earning those instead”. They take pride in reaching their goals. Consider using a simple reward chart to increase positive behaviors such as sharing, completing chores, using kind words, being friendly (versus teasing), etc. Intermittent rewards work best. Give your child a sticker when you catch them working on that goal, and a small prize after 3 to 5 stickers (based on age). Parents often tell me that this is bribery and they don’t want to reward their kids for things they should just have to do. It’s hard being a kid. It’s fun to earn rewards and it’s nice to hear praise. If it’s not hurting anyone…what’s the downside? And please don’t say performance for treats. Just take it from the expert on this one. Rewards work.
8. Parent the Personality: All children respond well to structure and limits. That’s a fact. But all children are different. You might have to tailor your intervention style to each child. Liam is very sensitive, and cries when he hears the word “no”. Riley stops in her tracks when she hears it. Two different personalities. Figure out what works best for each child. While positive reinforcement tends to work across the board, time ins might work better for one while relaxation breaks work for another. Choose what works for each child.
What strategies work for you?
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Katie, This post is really pertinent for us right now. My almost four year old (her birthday is Sunday) is testing me in all sorts of new ways. I am not an aggressive disciplinarian by any means, but I love all of the positive examples you gave. Some of them are new, or perhaps I’ve read them and forgotten them along the way. I’m glad to have some “new” tricks to tuck into my bag
Oh, I feel for you. Four is a great age…but it is the age of testing limits!
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
Ooh, Katie, I’ve been waiting for you to write about this. Thank you. I received quite a few criticisms for claiming it’s never okay to hit or spank a child. I like your techniques listed and yes, toddlerhood is ripe with new challenges and I get this question from toddlers a lot: how on earth do I get them to listen? Thanks for these tips and for taking a NO stance on spanking. I hope more and more parents realize we really do have more effective, gentle, and loving ways to parent our children
It drove me nuts that you were criticized for that. I fail to understand why spanking is still so widely used when there are so many alternatives. People can no claim lack of information…information is everywhere! Thank you for what you wrote, and for supporting my here.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
I meant from “parents of toddlers”, not toddlers themselves
Such excellent tips, advice, guidelines, and reminders Katie. Thank you. xo
Thanks, Galit. It’s shocking to have to write something like this…but it is what it is.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
That makes me so sad that kids at age 3 are being hit. I’ve been using relaxation breaks lately with my toddler. Those really help her when her attitude is not what it should be.
I love relaxation breaks. There’s nothing wrong with a little break…for us too sometimes! It makes me sad too…I just can’t imagine that.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
This is such an important topic. As a former preschool teacher, it would break my heart to see the “bullying” that took place by parents and other teachers. (I never thought of it as bullying, but you’re right…that’s exactly what it is.) I also believe that children should never be hit. It doesn’t solve anything, and in fact encourages violence. When children act out, it is because they need something. Period. Whether it be attention, more sleep, food, limits, structure, energy release, etc. As parents, it’s our jobs to figure out what our kids need, and provide it for them. Parents (and teachers) will notice a big difference in the behavior of children if they can just figure out the underlying need behind the “bad” behavior.
Exactly. When children act out, they need something. As tired or frustrated as we might feel at times, they are probably feeling it more. Thank you for this comment. I truly appreciate it.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
We just started a reward chart, and it has been great! I much prefer to praise my daughter for good behavior than discipline her for bad. It’s better for all of us.
Relaxation breaks work well, too. I put my child in her room when she is extremely upset and tell her to call for me when she has “found her smile.” It works every time. She cries for a bit, then starts to play (or sometimes even sleeps), then calls for me, and when I show up, she’s smiling. We talk about what happened and what she should do differently in the future. And then go on with our day.
I love that…finding her smile. My three year climbs into his crib when he gets overwhelmed or over-stimulated…sometimes they just need a minute!
Practical Parenting recently posted..Discipline Without Agression
I used to be better at using time-outs. It seems as my youngest became 2 and big sis was still just 3 going on 4 that things got out of hand. I am working on correcting that. I admit I have spanked them both and have felt guilt afterwards. It doesn’t teach them what I want to teach them – and I am working on changing. Kids are challenging. Especially multiple kids. My New Year’s Resolution is to live up to the challenge and find better ways to discipline. Thanks for a great post.
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All we can do is keep learning and growing. You know what doesn’t work for you and your kids, and that’s a step in the right direction. It is very challenging with multiple kids. You will find the strategies that work for all of you, and that will make for a calmer house
Practical Parenting recently posted..Three Good Things
Excellent, Katie. And about sarcasm? I don’t know when kids start to get it, but I don’t think my 9 year old really does yet. So true what you said about it too.
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By about 11, most kids get it. When they’re younger, they just interpret the tone and end up with hurt feelings. Sarcasm is such an ugly habit…it only makes people feel bad. Thanks for reading, Missy.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Three Good Things
I love your list of suggestions and we use most all of them to great effect (at least when mommy & daddy are being consistent). I have a love/hate relationship with rewards though. I use the concept of a kindness tree in our house (where every time the kids are being kind to each other they get a leaf on the tree & they earn a special treat when the tree is filled up) which works to some extent. But I also subscribe to Alfie Kohn’s idea that rewards diminish a person’s intrinsic pleasure in doing something. I want my children to understand the pleasure they derive from being kind & not just do it to get a sticker (or a leaf). I go back & forth on the whole idea of rewards. Do you have any opinion about his concepts?
I’m definitely going to share this post. It’s a great answer to a question someone just asked me on a recent blog post of mine!
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I think that, in a perfect world, he has a great theory. But we are living in a less than perfect world where 65% of the American population still considers spanking an effective form of discipline…despite ample evidence to the contrary. I’ve worked with countless kids on a very large spectrum of functioning. I have used rewards on and off with clients and my own kids. I have always found that kids take great pride in reaching their goals and making great choices. But that’s just my experience.
I am a believer in everything in moderation, and parenting each child as an individual. Reward charts should not be a way of life. They should be time limited and used only for larger issues (not being nice or putting away shoes, etc). I like the idea of the concepts, but it’s a little rigid for me. All kids are different. My own two are very different and have very different needs. We parent them according to what they need and what works for them.
As for these parents who are under so much stress that they resort to spanking? I believe they need specific strategies and plans so that they can replace their negative behaviors…I think a theory, no matter how great it is, is lost on them when behaviors are sending them to their breaking point each day.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Stress Buster Tips for Parents
I am horrified by spanking. It makes me sick to see it or hear about it. Thanks for writing.
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