Most days I choose to see the possibilities. The room that could be anything. The furniture longing to be purchased. The perfect space for friends, grandparents, and, someday, sleepovers.
But some days, when I’m truly being honest with myself, I see the empty space. The hole meant to be filled by one last little one.
Some days I stare longingly at the perfect spot to place the crib, just to left of the window, where the morning light filters through the soft white plantation shutters.
Some days I rock quietly in the glider, the one that I could never quite convince myself to give away. Just. In. Case. Other days I catch a glimpse of it, frozen in time, and wonder just what to do.
By day, I enjoy each moment. I lose myself in play, reading aloud, and endless art projects. I listen to each word carefully, burning their little voices across my memory. I watch with pride and fascination while taking screen shots in my mind, every chance I get. I hang on tight as I watch them grow and change right before my very eyes.
Time escapes me, no matter how hard I try to hit the brakes.
By day, I build memories.
By day, I am reminded that my family is perfect just the way it is.
But when darkness falls, my broken heart emerges once again.
By night, I am flooded with emotions.
Images of the final loss threaten to crowd out the happiness I find within the day. Memories of the event leave me shaken to my core: The look of desperation on my husband’s face.
This can’t be happening…
The whispers of the nurses as they ushered me into emergency surgery.
We will pray for you…
The signing and more signing of last minute waivers.
You mean I might die in there?
The final goodbye.
Just. In. Case.
Some nights I lie awake, clutching my empty womb, while muffled sobs escape my aching soul.
Some nights, the empty space feels bigger than others. Some nights, it overwhelms me.
I am the lucky one, I tell myself. I am the one with two amazing children and a husband who loves me beyond compare.
I am strong, resilient, and always a fighter.
And yet, at times, the sadness creeps in. The what-ifs cause my heart to race while the you-should-haves force the tears to escape.
Sometimes the letting go is the hardest part.
Dreams change. Life moves forward. But emotions stay with us for as long as we allow.
So, for right now, that rocking chair is staying put.
Because sometimes you just need to dream…
Oh Katie, I’m sorry.
{hugs}
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Thanks, Jody.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Project Happy Week 10
Oh I am so sorry. This is such a stunning and powerful post. Thank you so much for sharing your intimate thoughts and experience. Sending lots of love to you.
Julia recently posted..My Favorite Part of The Day
Thank you, Julia. Time heals all wounds…
Practical Parenting recently posted..Project Happy Week 10
I’m so sorry. I suffered from a miscarriage that resulted in a horrible ER visit and it was so traumatizing for my husband and I. But, like you said, I consider myself lucky because we went on to have four other kids, and I love them with all of my heart.
Byn recently posted..Bean Learns About Shapes: Spheres, Cones & Cubes
That sounds terrible. I’m sorry to hear that, but glad to hear that you went on to have four
Practical Parenting recently posted..Project Happy Week 10
I too know the dark moments.
The what ifs, the what could have been and the why not me …
and even though we look around us and gaze in awe at the blessings we do have, the little shadow of doubt, of chance, of maybe … it lingers.
Thinking of you xxxx
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Pinkalicious a la Victoria’s Secret
Thank you, my friend. For understanding me so well, and for being there from afar. I’m lucky to have found you. xoxo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Project Happy Week 10
I’m sorry. Sending hugs to you.
Denise recently posted..My Rose Goes To …
Thank you, Denise. It’s a process for sure, but hopefully one day it will just be behind me.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Project Happy Week 10
Katie, I’m so very sorry my sweet friend.
You write your heart so beautifully.
So, so very much love to you.
Galit Breen recently posted..Inspired
Thank you, Galit. xoxo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
Katie, I’m sorry you had to go through such experience. While I never had a miscarriage before, I could identify with the feelings you’ve described above. I didn’t lose a child. I have one daughter who’s 7 yrs old, and she’s truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. But a year ago, my marriage of twelve years ended abruptly when my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. The months that followed were really hard. I struggled with coping with the sudden loss of my marriage, my dreams and future plans, and… the likelihood that I might never have any more children. My biological clock is ticking, and soon I’ll be passing my healthy child-bearing years. I mourned the loss of this child I might never have. the one I thought for sure I would have one day. I mourned that my daughter would never have a sibling from the same father or any for that matter. I looked at the extra room we had reserved for our second baby and mourned the loss of seeing that ever happening.
Hopefully the pain will soften over time.
Please know that you’re in my thoughts.
Sweaty recently posted..And Here I Thought…
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. Mourning the loss of a marriage and dream while caring for your daughter (and your own heart) is so very overwhelming. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful comment, and please know that you are in my thoughts as well. And I’m only a click away if you need a friend.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
Katie, I’m newer to your blog and just read some of your backstory. To say the least, heartbreaking but also inspiring when you talk about you and your husband. I also know the feeling of losing a dream, going to your darkest place and climbing back out again. I pray you receive the desires of your heart and count your blessings along the way.
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. I hope that one day this memory will fade away and leave me with more of the good ones…which I am creating every single day.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
Oh, girl.
I have no words, just want to send you some love. xo
Shell recently posted..Tips for a Balanced Diet for Kids
Thank you, Shell. Truly appreciated. xo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
Katie, I’m so sorry for your loss. This post here, is stunning and heartbreaking. Much love to you.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..You Were A Friend Once
Thank you Alison. It’s a process, but I’m getting through it one very small step at a time. xo
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
I am sorry for your loss. I suffered a miscarriage and passed my baby at home. It was the single hardest thing I have ever gone through. A year later and it still hurts. I have an empty rocking chair waiting for Just In Case too
Carley recently posted..My Battle with Potty Training
I’m so sorry to hear this. It stays with us, doesn’t it? I hope your chair is in use again soon.
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