If there is one thing that is a constant within the walls of my therapy office it’s that emotions are not to be escaped. You can stuff your feelings down as much as you want, but they will always come back to you in one way or another. Until you choose to confront and process those feelings, you are simply filing unfinished business away for a later date.
That proverbial snowball that people love to reference almost always begins as something small. It’s the stuffing and stifling that causes it to gain momentum.
Feelings are meant to be processed. Feelings are meant to be confronted.
And yet, well-meaning parents everywhere teach their children to stuff their feelings almost every day.
Often, it’s done in an attempt to fix something, to save a child from anger or sadness, or to avoid a dreaded temper tantrum.
Don’t cry.
It’s ok; I can fix it.
Don’t worry.
It’s no big deal.
We do it to protect them. We do it to protect us. We do it for a lot of reasons, most of them good.
But we need to stop doing it.
Children need to learn healthy ways to express their emotions.
Young children experience a range of emotions each day, and often they seem to jump from one to the next with little warning. While all emotions are healthy and equally important, anger is the one that seems to be the most upsetting. No one wants their child to feel angry, particularly when the triggers seem meaningless. But it does exist and it is perfectly normal, it’s what kids choose to do with it that matters the most.
Hitting, yelling at others, and pushing are not healthy ways to express anger. Healthier options exist; we just have to model them.
Below are some tips for helping your kids “get their mads out” (Riley):
1. Let your cries out: Temper tantrums are exhausting, frustrating, and almost always happen at the worst possible time. But they are so very necessary for little ones. A temper tantrum, or meltdown (a rose by any other name), is merely a child’s way of expressing all of those pent up emotions. It’s a child’s way of saying, “I’ve had enough!” In our house we have a saying: When the going gets tough you just have to let your cries out. And that’s always ok, even if it’s in the middle of Target.
2. Get Physical: With pent up anger comes pent up tension. Have you ever noticed how kids stiffen up when they’re not getting their way and are ready to blow? They are holding their tension in and need to let it out. Try one of these: A round of applause. The act of clapping their hands together relieves tension while getting some energy out. Stomp your feet. Kids love to stomp their feet, but it’s rarely considered appropriate. Have them stomp their feet around the room and jump up and down. Pound on clay or Play Doh. If you like to bake, you already know how good it feels do knead dough or roll out cookies. Anger often gets caught in our hands, as we clench our fists and tighten our arm muscles. Pounding on or kneading clay or Play Doh can help kids relieve that tension while shifting their attention.
3. Color it: You know what’s fun, even for adults? Scribbling. Just taking a red, angry marker and scribbling without care. Give your child a red marker and a white piece of paper and ask her to make the reddest, angriest picture she can make. Cheer her on as she lets that red out, and ask her to identify what made her feel so angry while she scribbles it out.
4. Yell it out: Taking your anger out on someone else by yelling is not healthy or appropriate, but yelling is not such a bad thing. Yelling gets those angry feelings out and relieves some tension along the way. Yelling, when done in a healthy way, can be a good thing. Have your child yell into a pillow or set a timer and give him one minute to yell as loud as possible in the bathroom. Encourage your child to yell out his feelings in a safe place instead of yelling at someone else.
5. The Paper Towel Game: There’s no rule that states that processing anger has to be an angry experience. Try this little game and watch your child let her anger out while enjoying the process. Note: Riley and Liam were not actually angry during the making of this video. Riley really, really wanted you to know that. They did, however, enjoy the game and agreed that it’s worth trying the next time they are upset.
When you find a strategy that works for you, help your child identify her triggers while she lets her feelings out. It won’t be long before she will be able to let her feelings out independently.
How do you encourage healthy expression of anger?
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What an awesome idea! And I love watching Riley and Liam have so much fun “pretending” to be angry…
I am thinking I may use the paper towel game in my kitchen next time I’m going a bit crazy! But on a serious note, I totally agree with you that so many kids do not know how to handle their feelings. Learning some simple strategies is a huge bonus to them as kids and later when they are adults.
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Haha! Thanks, Sherri. I will throw paper towels with you any day!
Practical Parenting recently posted..Letting Go of Anger
Thanks for this post. I’m thinking of today when my Liam was screaming at me saying “I’m very mad at you right now. I’m not going to let you play with my toys ever,ever again!!” He went on a 5 minute rant and then he was smiling and fine and even apologized for yelling(yes, shocking I know). so I’m wondering when do you introduce something like the paper towel game….after the rant, during the rant, or just let him yell and if he’s fine at the end let it be? Reading this back I guess the answer is obvious, he used the yell it out technique, save the paper towels for another time:).
Thanks for all the great tips Katie!
Anne- I have such a mental image of that rant! If the he’s not yelling at anyone in particular and it seems to work, let him roll with that. But if he seems to be getting more frustrated or is really directing it toward someone else, I might interrupt the flow and say, “hey, I learned this cool game for getting those yucky feelings out, let’s try it” and see how he responds. He’s so cute…even when angry, I imagine!
Practical Parenting recently posted..Letting Go of Anger
Today we got out the crayons and scribbled when Liam was mad. Worked like a charm. I think I need to print this one out and hang it up some place handy. Thank you!!
Love it! So glad!!!!
Practical Parenting recently posted..Good Sportsmanship for Tweens
I will be printing this out and adding it to my learning material. I have had to start reading our Love and Logic books and try to pay more attention to my wife and how she handles things. We have one that seems to get angry and it kills me inside. No matter what I have done to try and change it, it just creeps in at times. I know he gets it from me. My temper is nuts, it has gotten better but I dont want any of my children growing up with feeling of anger that are so bad they blow up. I like the ideas and I will be reading and re reading them to try them out. Thanks.
The good news is that you know how he feels when he gets angry, and you can use that as a teaching tool. You guys can try out different strategies together to see what helps. It might be stomping, it might be a stress ball, it might be throwing something against the wall…whatever you find that does work you can use together. And you can empathize with him and help him know that he’s not alone. Sometimes we teach them, sometimes they teach us, sometimes we work it out together. The fact that you are aware of it means that he won’t grow up feeling that way.
Practical Parenting recently posted..Letting Go of Anger
These are FANTASTIC tips, Katie!
(And so very necessary and helpful!)
Thank you!!
Galit Breen recently posted..Inspired
Thank you, my friend
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
I think I want to start doing the paper towel game when I’m angry.
Jessica recently posted..To Sell Or Not To Sell
Me too! It’s not much a mess and doesn’t hurt anyone…why not??
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
This is such a great post! I think we forget sometimes how important it is to get those feelings out.
And we focus on what we think of the tantrum and anger. I’ve never heard that explanation before, how the anger gets in your hands. That makes so much sense!
I loved that little demonstration video!
Mirjam recently posted..Choices
Thanks so much! Glad you liked it and I hope it helps
Practical Parenting recently posted..Balloons
Thank you so much for this post
my oldest son is on the autism spectrum and has frequent “meltdowns” and is easly frustrated and when the problem can’t be solved within his liking he gets very angry. we’ve learned to just hug our tempers when in public and also at home and if he gets agressuive with an individual and is yelling he has a specific corner he knows he can always turn to. We’ve taught him it’s not nice to scream and yell at others and the corner has helped keep everyone calm and his temper is quicker to be resolved than it was before we started this method. BUt once again thank you for these other suggestions 
When i was in my mid teens my mom just one day got fed up with all the anger in the house between my sisters and me, gave us each $5, took us to goodwill and had us pick up as much glass dishes as we could afford and then took sharpies when we came back home. wrote out our aggressions on the glass then went outside with goggles on and just smashed them all to the ground. I had never felt so “free” after that day. all three of us were angry and just crying and just letting it out. Of course after we all cleaned up the glass and had a very peaceful dinner together. crazy how some of the most simple acts can make us feel so much better.
looking forward to trying all of these methods with both of my kids and even myself