When he has a day off, Sean likes to take Riley to our local Starbucks during her quiet time. There they can share a treat, catch up a little, and just enjoy a Daddy/daughter date. They love it.
But on their most recent trip to Starbucks, they encountered some behavior that left them both a bit rattled.
A group of older boys (about Middle School age) sat at an outdoor table of a neighboring restaurant. They threw food at one another, yelled at one another (although not in anger), and did not seem concerned about the welfare of those sitting nearby.
Like the father holding his baby girl as he attempted to enjoy his coffee, holding onto her for dear life. More than once, these boys almost hit that baby with food thrown carelessly about.
Recognizing that new dad look in the other father’s eyes, Sean jumped into action. He asked the boys to stop. He reminded them to act appropriately at a restaurant.
One of them talked back to him. A few of them laughed. Only one remained quiet.
Clearly these boys are the product of non-parenting parenting.
They don’t understand limits. They don’t understand appropriate social behavior. They don’t understand right from wrong. They don’t know how to interact with adults.
They don’t know when to stop.
They follow their own rules, ignore input from adults, and use unkind words and voice tone simply because they can.
I would love to say that these instances are rare, but sadly I encounter them on a regular basis.
I have park rules for my kids. Really just a few guidelines to keep them safe and help them play well with others.
Climb UP the ladders; slide DOWN the slides.
Sand stays in the sand box and should never be thrown.
Take turns.
Use friendly voices.
Invite others to share toys.
They know the rules. Occasionally they try to push me on the slide issue. I do let them climb up there own slide at home. But at the park? We have to think about others. We have to be considerate.
Last week Riley saw some other kids climbing up the slide. They we were falling all over each other, and two of them ended up in tears.
At one point, Riley looked up at me as she started to join in. All I had to do was shake my head. She approached me and said, “All of those kids are going up. I’ll be careful.”
I sat her down on my lap and quietly pointed out that one boy was crying because he took a sneaker to his eye. I reminded her that we always have to think about others when we play. I reminded her that rules exist for a reason.
What I didn’t realize is that a little boy was standing behind us, listening in.
“I don’t have to follow any of those rules. I get to do whatever I want. Watch me!”
He ran off and went back up the slide, glaring at Riley the whole time.
We moved on to the swings. He followed us. He teased her. I redirected him. He talked back.
This went on for fifteen minutes before we decided to head home. It was getting late.
As I put the kids in the car I finally spotted the little boy’s mother. She sat at a table, very far removed from the play structure, eating a subway sandwich and staring at her iPhone.
Disengaged. Practicing non-parenting parenting.
Kids crave structure. Structure takes the guesswork out of the day. They actually like rules because rules help them know what choices to make.
Sure, they test boundaries from time to time. That’s part of being a kid. That’s part of learning right from wrong.
But that also requires active parenting.
We have to pay attention. We have to teach them right from wrong. We have to teach them to respect others and listen to adults. We have to be involved.
Non-parenting parenting results in a generation of disrespectful, unfriendly, and behaviorally challenged kids.
Active parenting results in the opposite.
The choice is simple. It’s up to you to make it happen.
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What timing. My girlfriend and I were just talking about this today at lunch. We both happen to be active parents, who believe setting limits and teaching our children boundaries is to their benefit. We were having lunch after taking our young girls to an indoor inflatable fun center (a bunch of bounce houses indoors). There were a group of kids there so wild and out of control it was scary. They nearly trampled my three year old. I gently reminded them of the rules several times, and that they needed to be careful of the younger children. They ignored me (they did not talk back, though I have had that happen in other instances). They even threatened to trample me at one point. They had no respect or regard for anyone. And their parents were nowhere to be seen. It was maddening.
This is so, so true, and I see instances of it all the time.
Of course, I also have a little guy who doesn’t get the sand in the sandbox rule. At all. Sigh. He gets two warnings, and on the third handful of sand on the ground we take a sandbox break. There are tears, and then I get dirty looks because I’m making my child cry in the park. I hope he gets it soon
angela recently posted..Fingers Crossed
Good points. I have also left parks because of similiar things. We have the slide rule also. I never thought of climbing up a slide until I had kids that wanted to do it.
Carla recently posted..My Celebration of Opportunity
I love this, Katie.
(I think that the trickiest part of this is when the non parenting parent is a friend.)
I love how both you and Sean handled those situations. And -just a little bit- my heart breaks for those other kids, you know?
Galit Breen recently posted..Stretch
I see these kinds of kids at the park all the time and they are the reason I hesitate to go. The big problem here is that they are unsupervised because they come from poor families where both parents work on construction sites all day. They are untrained and undisciplined and on top of it don’t speak more than a few words of English, so anything I tell them is lost to them. They run up the slides and could care less that others are coming down. They also get mad when my kids climb slowly and they push their way past them or climb over them, right on the ladder of a tall slide!
Since there isn’t much I can do about it, I just make sure my son remembers to play nicely even when they don’t. He is 4 and gets upset easily by their rudeness to the point that he retaliates by pushing and biting and makes them mad. It is such a fine line between teaching my kids to use their manners in spite of the rude kids and allowing them to protect themselves from those who hurt them. There are times when I just have to say something to those kids, if for no other reason than that my kids know I’m doing something about it. Often though, it isn’t worth my breath, especially when they tell me off. Arrg.
Mercy recently posted..Visit to the Zoo
I am sometimes guilty of letting my kids run free at the park while I relax but at the same time they know that I have rules and that I’m watching them. They have to be careful and pay attention.
Jessica recently posted..Taking Charge Of Education