How to Help a Suicide Survivor

In case you missed it, please stop by the Huffington Post and read “There’s Nothing Selfish About Suicide”

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It didn’t take long for the negative backlash to set in when word spread that Robin Williams took his life.  Across all channels of social media, people started throwing around words like “selfish” and “weak”.  His daughter shut down her social media accounts as a result.  Because what people always seem to forget when it comes to celebrity news is that for every celebrity that comes under attack, there are family members directly affected by the attack.  In this low-empathy society fueled by technology and instant gratification in 140 characters or less, people forget to think about the other people.  The people wrapped in grief, that is.

For every person who commits suicide, there is an average of six survivors directly affected by the loss.  That’s six people, on average (sometimes many more), left to pick up the pieces, process their grief, and somehow find a way to move on.

It’s no easy task.

Loss is difficult no matter when it comes or how it happens.  Cancer, heart attacks, car accidents, strokes…loss can strike any family at any time without much warning.  The difference, of course, is that people can talk about things like cancer and heart disease.  They can ask questions, find concrete ways to help (like driving a friend to a medical appointment), and understand the disease.

Sadly, mental health is still very much a taboo topic in our society, and suicide isn’t a word that rolls of the tongue.  In fact, many people go to great lengths to avoid using it at all.  I recently heard a friend describe suicide as, “the thing he did” in reference to her loss.  Survivors of suicide shouldn’t have to blur their words or sweep their grief under the carpet just because we, as a society, don’t know how to talk about mental health.  No, that’s not right.  It’s up to the rest of us to learn how to talk and listen without judgment or criticism.  It’s up to us to learn how to be comfortable with the topic.

Survivors of suicide tend to feel very isolated in their grief.  They might not reach out for help because they fear the response of others when they finally begin to talk about the suicide.  You can help.  You can be the lifeline that helps a friend through a tragic loss.  And all you have to do is be present.

Keep showing up:

When the dust settles and the casseroles have all been eaten…that’s when the sheer loneliness sets in.  The “what ifs” plague suicide survivors because you can’t help but replay every little sign that you missed along the way.

Keep showing up.  After the extended family disappears, after the burial, after the invitations for dinner dwindle…that’s when your friend needs you.  Your friend doesn’t need a fancy dinner or room full of people.  Your friend just needs you to listen, talk, and hold her hand.  Your friend needs your strength until she can find her own.

Use the words:

You can’t sugarcoat suicide, and avoidance of the word only adds a sense of shame.  There is no shame in mental illness.  At all.  Talk openly about depression, anxiety, suicide, and all other areas of mental health.  Ask questions for clarification.  Listen with an open heart and an open mind.  Don’t be afraid of the details.  Discussing the details will help your friend move on from the guilt and shame that suicide survivors often experience.

Be the driver:

You know what’s hard?  Therapy.  Hollywood paints a semi-entertaining picture of therapy, but therapy is hard work.  It’s emotionally taxing, at best, and healing takes time.  People need support beyond the couch.

You would drive your friend to a chemo appointment in a hot second, right?  So why not do the same for a friend going to a therapy appointment?  It’s difficult to get back in the car and drive home after an emotional therapy session, even with a debriefing.  Often to drive your friend to appointments.  Make time for coffee or a walk outside after.  Your friend will feel less alone and better able to work through her emotions as a result.

Send notes:

The hand written note has become a thing of the past, it seems, but it can really help a friend working through grief.  Suicide survivors often feel alone in their survival, and a personal note in the mail can help them feel connected to the outside world.  Human connection is a powerful force.  Be the force that helps your friend stay afloat.

Ask:

Not sure how to help your friend?  Ask and ask again.  Your friend might not want to burden you, but the more you ask and the more you offer – the sooner your friend will realize that you intend to stick around.  Ask what you can do, when you can come by, and what errands you can run.  Don’t take no for an answer.

I was genuinely moved and surprised by the incredible response to “There’s Nothing Selfish About Suicide”.  As I work my way through the email that continues to pour in I am struck by how many survivors feel so completely alone.  Many admit to making up stories about their loss to avoid the shame and silence associated with suicide and mental illness.  We need to do better than that.  We need to help each other out, one conversation at a time.  And that begins with all of you.  Talk.  Be comfortable.  Be supportive.  It just might change a life for the better.

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Get Your Style On with Back-to-School Clothes at Target! ($300 Giveaway)

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My daughter loves clothes.  LOVES clothes.  She changes her outfits several times a day and she spends time creating each look.  There are no accidents when it comes to her style…everything, down to the very last accessory, is carefully considered.  She definitely has an eye for fashion.  She’s not a fan of preplanned outfits or matchy-matchy colors and prints.  No, this little fashionista mixes, matches, and jumbles things together and always comes out looking great.

She’s that kid.  Effortless style with a little bit of sparkle.

She’s an inspiration, really.  Her love of style inspires me to shake things up and try new looks, and that’s a good thing.  Because who said moms have to follow a script?

The only downside is the laundry.  Oh…the laundry.  It’s worth it, though, because when a kid walks confidently into each day?  Well, you just can’t put a price on that.

I thought that perhaps my son wouldn’t be so fashion forward and focused on outfits.  Maybe he would just wear one outfit a day and cut down on the laundry?  I thought wrong.  For a long time, my little man preferred truck shirts and cargo pants – no big deal.  But he’s five now and, I’m not sure if you know this, five is kind of a big deal.  These days he wants to dress like some combination of his rocker daddy and John Mayer (his rocker friend.)  But little boys aren’t always kind to their clothes…the holes in the knees!  So the challenge is to find little rocker Daddy/John Mayer on a budget.  Good luck to me….

Enter my good friends at Target.

Have you checked out their back-to-styles for the littles yet?  It’s as if they read my mind.  Shaun White for Target is pretty much my favorite line for little rocker boy right now.  Built kid-tough but looks that go from school to drum kit is exactly what we needed to fill the void.

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He fell in love with this plaid shirt in a hot second because it reminds him of a shirt his dad often wears in the studio, and the new skinny canvas pants at Target got him out of baggy cargo pants for the first time ever.

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But…we still need a few construction shirts here and there because five is still very much little…and that’s just fine with me. (And OMG – the super soft zip hoodies are amazing this year!)

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As for my little fashionista?  Let’s just say that I couldn’t get her out of there and she put together some really great looks in under an hour – a new record for her.  This polka dot jacket is positively adorable…now if Los Angeles will just cooperate and give us some fall weather to go with it!

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Pants can be hard to fit for my long and lean girl, and I can always count on Target to great options for leggings and jeggings and other slim fit pants that look great without breaking the bank.

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Don’t you wish you could own this outfit?  I do!  But enough about us…it’s time for you to get your back-to-school style on! And Practical Parenting and Target are here to help you get started!

We have a $300 Target Gift Card for one lucky winner! (United States only)

Leave me a comment below (HERE on the blog, not on Facebook – that doesn’t count) telling me about your favorite kid fashion moments.  I want to hear about all of the funny outfits your child puts together!  You have until August 15, 2014 at 5pm EST to enter!

This contest is open to US readers only.

***Please make sure that I have your email address…you can’t win if I can’t find you!  Now go ahead and enter, and get over to Target to start planning your shopping spree!

 

Disclosure:  Target provided me with a gift card to try some of their new fall arrivals for kids.  All opinions within this post are mine…or those of my children.  Little rocker boy thanks you, Target, he is one happy customer!

 

 

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Shop at Target for Back to School and Help Students in Need

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Like many of you, I’m feeling sad because my baby is heading off to school this year.  It’s kindergarten, and it’s a short day, but still…my baby is going to school.  That’s all I can say about that without falling apart because, holy moly, what will I do without my little buddy by my side?

Anyway, two kids in school means twice as many school supplies and school supplies can be expensive.  School supplies can also be hard to find.  Last year the first grade team had us running around in search of the biggest pencil box I’ve ever seen, and it took three trips to three stores to cross everything off the list!  This year…I’m planning ahead.

As much as I get sticker shock when it comes to getting my little ones ready for a new school year, I do know that I can cover the costs.  For many students in America, the money for school supplies just isn’t there.  There are kids in this country who show up for the first day of school without lunches in their hands or pencils in their pockets.  And their kind-hearted teachers make up the difference. Did you know that 99.5% of classroom teachers buy essential classroom materials out of their own pockets and spend, on average, $485 (that’s per teacher, per year)?

That is just plain unacceptable.  Kids should have access to the supplies they need and teachers shouldn’t have to purchase those supplies for their students.

The good news is that Target is dedicated to helping students in need.  Inspired by Yoobi, a Target exclusive brand with a “One for You, One for Me” mission, Target will donate one school supply to a student in need for every purchase of select Up&Up school supplies in stores through August 2nd.  With a goal of giving up to $25 million and potentially impacting nearly two million children living in poverty, Target makes it easy for the rest of us to help make a difference.  Target knows that customers want to help others.  “We know that giving is important to Target’s guests,” says Laysha Ward, president, Community Relations for Target, “This program gives them an opportunity to make a positive impact on the lives of others and set kids up for success through the simple act of buying school supplies.”

Ward is right.  Many families do seek ways to help others, but sometimes life gets in the way.  Imagine taking your child shopping for school supplies and talking about the fact that each supply purchased puts a school supply in the hands of a child in need.  That’s a powerful conversation, and those are the conversations that we need to have with our kids early and often.  If we want to raise kind and caring children, we have to teach them to look out for others and to find ways to help.

Target has a longstanding community partnership with the Kids in Need Foundation. Target will distribute the school supplies to students in need through the Kids in Need Foundation beginning in August.

And can I just tell you?  As a nerdy mom who loves things like pencils, permanent markers (I might have even purchased some of those just for me), sticky notes, and three ring binders…the Up&Up brand is amazing.  I’m not just saying that, I promise.  Any of my close friends will tell you that the school supply aisle is my version of the kid in the candy store.  I just can’t get enough.  And the colors, designs, and prices this season will put a smile on your face (twice, in my case). Wondering what the hot items are this year?  Not to worry, Target has you covered: Top trends this year include:

  • Attachable matching accessories to backpacks and lunch boxes
  • Colorful supplies, including notebooks and book covers
  • Stylish locker accessories like disco balls and metallic mirrors
  • Chevron, plaid, camouflage and peace sign patterns

Must-have products include:

  • Houndstooth, Peace, Camo and Dinosaur Backpacks, $14.99 each
  • Frog and Panda Lunch Boxes, $13.99 each
  • Monster, Robot, Owl and Fox Water Bottles, $11.99 – $12.99 each
  • up&up School Supplies, $0.31 – $7.29
  • Yoobi School Supplies, $0.99 – $9.99
  • Slap Bracelet Rulers, $1.99 each
  • Magnetic Locker Chandelier, $9.99
  • Shag Locker Rug, $5.99
  • Texas Instruments 30XIIS Scientific Calculators, $12.99 each
  • Cherokee Varsity Jacket, $19.99
  • Cherokee Moto Jacket, $19.99

Have I convinced you to get out there and help others by shopping Up&Up for Target yet?  No?  Well, you’re in luck.  I saved one last incentive for last… Target really wants to help those 2 million students and need, and that starts with getting you in the store to stock up on school supplies.  To make that happen, Target will send one lucky winner (US only) a $300 Target Gift Card to shop for school supplies between now and August 2nd!  Yes, that’s right, $300.  That’s a lot of school supplies for your little one, and a lot of school supplies for other little ones all over this country.

I have one favor to ask of you before I tell you how to enter:  SHARE THIS POST.  The more this post is shared, the more kids we help.  Yes, it’s fun to win a gift card and will certainly help off-set your back-to-school costs, but I teamed up with Target on this one because I can’t stand the thought of kids showing up to school empty handed.  Every child deserves a great start, and we, Practical family, have the power to help other children simply by making our purchases at Target this year.  So please, spread the word – let’s work together to make a difference. How to win the $300 Target Gift Card:

  1. Open to US readers only
  2. Leave me a comment sharing the age of your child and your “must have” school supplies this year. Also, head over to Target.com and tell me your favorite Up&Up and/or Yoobi school supplies.
  3. MAKE SURE that I have your email address.  You can’t win if I can’t reach you.
  4. Have fun shopping!!! (Just be sure to make those purchases by 8/2)
  5. This contest closes on July 26th at 8pm EST.

If you happen to shop with your RedCard, please remember that Target will donate 1% of your purchase to the K-12 school of your choice through the Take Charge of Education program.  To date, Target has donated over $387 million to K-12 schools!

Ok, friends, that’s all for now.  Read it.  Share it.  And shop at your local Target store….right now!

About Target Minneapolis-based Target Corporation (NYSE: TGT) serves guests at 1,916 stores – 1,789 in the United States and 127 in Canada – and at Target.com. Since 1946, Target has given 5 percent of its profit through community grants and programs; today, that giving equals more than $4 million a week. For more information about Target’s commitment to corporate responsibility, visit target.com/corporateresponsibility.

 

Disclaimer:  Target asked me to help promote their school supply program and provided a Target Gift Card to purchase Up&Up and Yoobi school supplies for reference.  I have a longstanding relationship with Target and enjoy partnering with them to help with community programs and giving back.  All opinions contained within this post (I do love those sticky notes!) are my own.  

Don’t Leave Your Kids in the Car…No Matter the Weather

 

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Another child died yesterday after being left unattended in a parked car on a sweltering summer day.  This time in an affluent town in Connecticut.  This isn’t the first story of child vehicular heat stroke to make headlines this summer and, sadly, it probably won’t be the last.

According to Kids and Cars, a nonprofit child safety organization dedicated to preventing injuries and death to children in and around vehicles, an average of 38 children die each year as a result of vehicular heat stroke.  44 died last year.  There have been at least 15 confirmed reports so far this year.  That is far too many lost lives in hot cars.

Reports indicate that 51% of child vehicular heatstroke deaths between 1998-2013 can be attributed to children being “forgotten” by parents or caregivers.  29% occurred because a child (or children) played in an unattended vehicle.  In 18% of the cases, the child was intentionally left behind in the car.

Have you seen this video yet?  I cried from start to finish.



But still, children are being left behind.  This has to stop.

Life is busy and people have a million things to do…believe me, I know.  You know what’s more important than everything on that to-do list?  The safety and well-being of little kids everywhere.  So what do we do?  How do we make it stop?  I don’t have all of the answers, but I do know that increasing awareness and taking a proactive approach to helping little ones can make a difference.

  1. Call 911!  If you see a child left unattended in a vehicle on a hot day, don’t hesitate.  Every moment counts.
  2. Don’t leave your child unattended in a car.  Ever.  Not to run for in for milk.  Not to get a few groceries.  Not to buy stamps.  Just don’t do it.
  3. Write reminders on sticky notes that say “check for kids!” “look before you leave!” or “check the carseats!” and place them on your steering wheel, near the radio, near the rearview mirror, and near your door handle.  Reminders can save lives.
  4. Place the things you need the most – your purse, your briefcase, your beloved phone, on the seat next to your child.
  5. Lock your car when it is not in use.  Kids can climb into cars to play or check things out and get stuck.  Cars heat up quickly in the sun (up to 40 degrees warmer than the outside temp).  Lock your car for safety.
  6. Keep car keys away from little kids.
  7. Talk to older children about NOT climbing into cars alone.  They can get stuck, too.
  8. Look in all windows before you walk away from your car.  Sometimes little habits can make a big difference.

Talk to friends and family members.  Share tips and tricks.  Increase awareness not by sensationalizing the stories, but by engaging people in meaningful discussions and brainstorming ways to decrease these tragedies.

Summer is heating up.  Be safe.  Be attentive.  And always check the backseat.

 

Common Core Stress? Advocate, don’t argue

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I admit it:  I was in hysterics when I read the answer that dad provided for the math question on the second grade test.  The question was not a good one – I think we can agree on that.  The fallout, of course, is yet another argument about the role the Common Core Standards play in these scenarios.

The Common Core Standards are just that – a set of standards.  There is not a “Common Core Curriculum”.  However, school districts across the country are in a big transition phase as they seek out the best curriculum to help our children thrive and meet the standards.  The math that my daughter comes home with in her backpack each week is not necessarily the same as the math homework of a first grade student in New York.  Long story short:  The district calls the shots on the curriculum.

In some districts, kids are thriving.  Katie Sluiter works in a school district seeing great results.  But others are struggling.  That’s not to say that one district is better than another, but implementation has not been smooth  in every district.

So now we have one group of people yelling out, “Don’t blame the Common Core!” and a second group of people screaming, “Common Core math (or fill in the blank) is insane!”  And somewhere in between is a sea of confused and slightly stressed out parents trying to make sense of the changes.

My personal views on the matter are immaterial.  The fact is that parents do seem to be under stress as the changes occur, as do children when the intensity of the work becomes too much to bear.  It’s natural to want something (or someone) to blame, but the truth is that finding a scapegoat won’t actually help the second grade boy with the needlessly complicated math problem.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating:  Stress is contagious.  Change is HARD and can potentially trigger stress, but we need to cope with our own stress so that it doesn’t trickle down to our children.  Our kids watch us.  They take their cues from us.  If, each time we sort through the homework, we become inflamed over math problems or reading logs that appear time consuming and headache inducing, we send a very negative message to our kids.  You might think you’re empathizing, but what you’re saying is this:  This is too hard for you.  You’re not capable.  This will stress you out.  This will give you a headache.  This is wrong.

Is that how you want your kids to approach learning?  Do you want them to feel defeated before they’ve even had a chance to try?  Of course not.  You just don’t want added stress, and that is understandable.  Surely you know me well enough to know that I think homework grounded in busywork holds little to no value, but my daughter doesn’t know that I feel that way.  She knows that I support her learning, and advocate for her when stress creeps in.

So what can parents do?  How can parents help their children through these transitions without piling on additional stress?  Two words:  Support and advocate.

Advocate:

I am the first to admit that I scratch my head at some of the math problems that come home and the reading log made me want to run for the hills.  But you know what?  My daughter rocks those math problems!  She feels confident and capable and she’s learning to look at a problem from more than one angle.  That will help her later on in life.  And while the reading log is intense and the boxes are too small for first grade handwriting, the questions on the log are good.  It’s full of thinking questions.  And I want my daughter to think.

When she broke down into tears at the sight of one more thing to fill out, I emailed the teacher.  Within an hour, the new plan was for me to ask her the questions and fill in the log on her behalf.  Advocacy works.  When writing spelling words over and over and over again triggered stress in my otherwise free spirited child, I asked the teacher if she could type the words instead.  Done.  Advocacy works.

The bottom line is that young children are generally pleasers by nature and won’t advocate for their needs for fear of disappointing a teacher or parent.  Also?  It’s just a lot to ask of an elementary school child.  If stress related to your child’s learning is overwhelming (stomachaches, headaches, excessive tears, behavioral changes, etc.), it’s up to you to communicate with the teacher and work out a new plan.  All kids are different.  They have different strengths and weaknesses, and cope with stress in different ways.  Advocate for your child to find the best learning style and the stress will decrease.

Support:

Homework isn’t always fun.  Sometimes it is – my daughter just completed a long-term project in four days because it was an animal report and she just couldn’t wait to learn about the colossal squid.  But often it’s more of the same…because the point of homework is to support the learning (or so they say).  It can be frustrating for parents when kids dig in their heels and fight homework.  Believe me, I get it.  Instead of fighting back, we have to support them.

Empathize with your child.  Talk about your own homework as a kid.  Find ways to make it fun.  Plan obstacle course breaks every 10 minutes.  Throw in a dance party.  Take the assignment and make it into a game show.  And before you tell me that you don’t need extra work on your plate just to get the homework done, arguing is extra work.  And it leaves everybody feeling miserable.

Be there for your child.  Arguing with your child or imposing consequences for unfinished work only increases the negativity.  Just be supportive.

Get involved:

I recently attended a meeting at my daughter’s school.  It was an evening meeting scheduled to help parents understand changes to the curriculum as the school implements the Common Core Standards.  In a fairly good sized elementary school, only a handful of parents showed up.  Yes, it can be difficult to arrange childcare or tweak schedules to get to meetings at school, but it’s important to get involved.

Sitting back and listening to the chatter will not increase your understanding of the changes happening in your child’s school.  You have to get involved.  Volunteer when you can.  Schedule a meeting with your child’s teacher to express your concerns and problem-solve together.  Make the choice to be informed.

Cope with stress:

Teach your child to cope with stress.  Relaxation breathing and guided imagery are incredible tools for young children.  Talk about how you manage your own stress.  Try family yoga or make family exercise a priority to help relieve pent up stress (a hike is fun, healthy, and has the added benefit of fresh air/nature – very relaxing).

Childhood stress is serious.  It affects mental health, physical health, learning, and social/emotional well-being.  Be mindful of your own stress level so that you don’t project it to your child, and keep an eye on your child’s stress level so that you know when to intervene.

We can sit back and complain about the changes to education, or we can think locally and do something about it.  We have to put our kids first as the changes roll out, and the best way to do that is to be involved in your child’s education and support your child along the way.

 

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Facebook Free for 40 Days…

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This is the sound that feeds my soul…

I gave up Facebook for Lent.

I know, right?  How will I get the most important news stories?  Do I really have to scroll through the CNN app on my own each day?  What about the cute pictures of kids and the funny updates that give me a laugh?  And oh, the Buzzfeed quizzes.  How will I ever crack the code now????

It’s only been one week and I feel like a different person.

Here’s the thing:  To some degree, I need Facebook.  I’m a freelance writer and the expectation is that I will share my articles on Facebook, Twitter, and anywhere else that people might listen.  Facebook is how I keep people updated on the progress of my book, and find a little cheerleading when I feel like I can’t possibly write one more word.

And on a personal level, Facebook keeps me connected to my friends in other cities.  I like seeing the cute little faces of kids in my feed that I wouldn’t ordinarily see and I enjoy the funny status updates from my friends.  It’s an easy way to keep in touch, and who doesn’t love easy?

I love my Facebook friends, I really do…

But I don’t love the white noise.  I don’t love the days when it seems like people argue simply for the sake of arguing.  I’m pretty tough and I can take a fair amount of criticism, but I don’t like it when people leave negatively charged comments on my Facebook updates containing parenting articles.  That’s what the comment forms are for on each website where you might find my work.  There is absolutely a place for that and I would love to hear what other people have to say, just not on my personal Facebook page.  In fact, I actually love when the comments appear on my Practical Parenting Facebook Page – when comments appear there (positive or negative), parents engage in meaningful conversations.  They share their own stories, concerns, and victories.  They help each other out.  That’s why I didn’t give up my professional page for Lent.  I want to to hear those thoughts and engage in those conversations.  We are all different, and meaningful conversations are good.  But arguments on my personal Facebook page?  No way.

But alas, sometimes the lines are blurred when it comes to personal and professional on Facebook, and sometimes you just need a break.  I’ve never been particularly good at white noise…perhaps it’s the introvert in me.  Perhaps not.  Either way, I took a break.

I’ve always prioritized being present with my kids.  I fought long and hard to have them, and I don’t let anything get in the way.  I let text messages go unanswered, I ignore email for days, and I am known to silence the phone when both kids are with me.  The only person who gets through is my husband.

The flip side of that, of course, is that my poor husband has to bear the brunt of me playing catch-up when the kids are asleep.  I quickly scan for priority email and other things that I should respond to in a timely manner before I cook dinner and focus on him for the night.  It’s ok.  He gets it.  We both work.  We both have things that need doing.  But still, the white noise crackles in the background – and the white noise doesn’t need doing.

I thought I would miss it more when I bid Facebook farewell for 40 days.  I thought I would feel disconnected and miss the small moments with my friends in other cities.  I thought I would worry about my work and disappoint my editors with my lack of social media activity.  But the truth is…I feel relieved.

(And I think my editors understand…)

I’m still working during my office hours and sharing my articles as necessary, but then I’m shoving my iPhone to back corner of my desk and moving on.  A sense of calm washes over me each time I water the plants the four of us planted last weekend without a hint of distraction.  A sense of strength courses through me when I run with my phone on DND.  And a feeling of connection keeps me focused when I engage in more meaningful connections with the people I encounter face-to-face each day.

(Incidentally, you NEED to read this article in Time.  Seriously.  I love this research from Boston Children’s Hospital…partially because I find myself conducting similar “research” often.)

The truth is that my friends know where to find me and when to text me if they want me to respond.  They know the best times to call to chat and the best times to leave a quick message.  They know that I am there for them 100% day or night when they need me.  And they understand the importance of stepping back and enjoying the present instead of looking to the virtual for feedback and connection.

I will return to Facebook when spring is upon us. I will continue to share my work and smile at adorable pictures.  I will make jokes that only some people understand (thank god for my brother…and Sondra) and post pictures of my own little cuties.  I enjoy the connection in bits and pieces, and I enjoy the old friends that have popped back into my life simply because someone had a really good idea…

But for right now, I’m taking time for me, my husband, and my littles.  Because even though I do my very best to keep my phone out of sight when I’m with my people…the only way to truly silence the white noise is to shut it down and walk away.

Until next time, my friends…

 

Addiction, Mental Health, and Parenting: Why You Need to Connect the Dots

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I can’t pretend to know what fighting addiction truly entails.  I have friends who fight for their sobriety every day.  They never miss a meeting…because to miss a meeting is to risk a relapse.  I have worked with young adults and adolescents who have fought for their sobriety.  They never missed a meeting…because to miss a meeting is to risk a relapse.  I have worked with children of addicts.  I’ve listened to them cry, yell, and ask the same question repeatedly.  Why?  Why is my existence not enough to keep my father/mother/fill-in-the-blank sober?

Addiction is complicated.  It might seem like a choice when you break it down to this-or-that, but then you have to travel the road of mental health, environmental stressors, and family history.  This-or-that fades into the background when you begin to peel the onion.

I’ve heard addiction referred to as “selfish”, and I can understand where people are coming from.  When you’ve sat across the office from a young child with giant sad eyes and an obsessive need to understand what role he or she might play in the addiction, you start to see the “selfish” angle.  You want to say to that parent, “Stop everything!  Look what you’re doing to your child!”  But you can’t say that.  Because that parent isn’t being selfish…that parent is fighting addiction.  That parent isn’t seeing the big sad eyes and cries for attention.  That parent is stuck in the vortex, and that isn’t selfish.

It’s same with depression and other mental disorders.  Would you call a person “selfish” for being depressed?  Would you tell you a parent to stop “being Bipolar”?  Of course not.  That would be ill-informed and inaccurate.  And yet, people do it.  They try to break it down to this-or-that.

The fact is that we can’t ignore the comorbidity factor when it comes to addiction.  We can’t pretend that addiction exists in a vacuum, and we can’t pretend that a single choice would alter the life of a family.  We can’t ignore the genetic components, the environmental factors, and the lack of resources available to the many people fighting (or losing the fight to) addiction every single day.

And we can’t pretend that our children are immune.

Every time an addict loses a battle, someone in this world is left behind.  We put celebrities on a pedestal and celebrate their amazing careers while we mourn the loss of the actors who music makers who touched our lives in some way.  But behind those celebrities are partners, children, and extended family who are left to pick up the pieces and somehow make sense of the loss.  They are the ones who suffer the most when the light goes out.

And that’s not all…

Kids (yes, KIDS) are using alcohol and drugs at an alarming rate, sometimes beginning in middle school (on average, boys start at age 11 these days, while girls, on average, wait until 13).  I won’t bombard you with statistics, but I will say that we need to change the way talk to kids about drugs, alcohol, and sexuality right this very moment.  Kids are taking unhealthy risks and making very poor choices, thereby setting themselves up for addiction, teen pregnancy, STD’s, and worse.  Because yes, drugs and alcohol can even take the lives of kids.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Check in with the CDC and SADD to arm yourself with information.

Remember that bit about comorbidity an genetics?  That applies to kids, as well.

So what can parents do?

Talk early and often:

Don’t wait until your child encounters alcohol and/or drugs to start the conversation.  Talk about it early on, and revisit it regularly.

I hear the parents joking about “mommy juice” (there is even a product by that name) and the like when they want to have a drink in front of the kids.  It’s a joke (most of the time) and it’s even a little cute (sort of)…but it sends a mixed message.  It’s not juice.  It’s wine or some other kind of alcohol and it should be identified by name.  It should be stated that alcohol is ok for adults (in moderation) but not for kids.

Instead of distracting or hiding, tell it like it is.  That sends a clear message to your kids.

Be honest:

Talk about addiction.  Talk about the effect that drugs and alcohol can have on your brain, your body, and your life.  Resist the urge to use scare tactics.  Remain calm, open the discussion up to questions, and provide information about the risks.

Talk about any family history you might and connect the dots between depression and other mental health concerns and alcohol and/or drug use.  Fill in the blanks so that your child can get a clear picture of addiction.

Identify the helpers:

Sometimes kids don’t want to talk to their parents about difficult topics, including alcohol, drugs and mental health. They might not want to disappoint them.  They might be afraid to admit that peer pressure is intense and difficult to resist.  They might fear that their parents will think less of them for wanting to fit in.

Identify the helpers.  Find a trusted uncle, aunt, or family friend who is willing to listen without judgment and provide a lifeline for your child.  Your child might not be comfortable approaching you, but that helping hand just might make a huge impact along the way.

Stop worrying about the stigma, and get the help that your family needs.  Inpatient, outpatient, individual, family…don’t wait until it’s too late.  Seek out the resources that can help you get to the other side.

Listen without judgment:

Listen to your children when they approach you with a problem, no matter how insignificant that problem might seem.  Hear their words.  Let them explain.

Listen for the sake of understanding, not for the purpose of crafting a response.

When we show our children that we are willing to listen, we open the door to future communication.  When we judge, snap, or reply too quickly, we risk shutting them down.  Open the door today, and don’t ever close it.

Stop glorifying Hollywood:

Get the magazines full of lies out of your home.  Stop putting celebrities on pedestals.  Listen to their music, enjoy their films, and laugh out loud when you watch their shows to decompress.  But stop pretending to know them.  They are people with struggles and they sometimes mess up, and that is more than ok.

Stop looking to the famous to act as role models for our children.  Taylor Swift isn’t really a role model for young girls.  She’s a young woman who sings her heart out and works hard, but how well do you really know her?  You don’t.  But you do know countless other people who can be role models…like that kindergarten teacher around the corner who dedicates her life to shaping young minds or that pediatrician who seems to make every child feel at ease in her office.

Look to everyday heroes to inspire your children.  They can truly make a difference…

For more information, or to make a donation to support research into drug abuse and addiction, visit NIDH.

 

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Distracted No More with Hands Free Mama

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I have a love/not-so-love relationship with technology.

There are times when I feel like I couldn’t possibly live without my iPhone.  When my husband is on the road or in the studio, text messaging connects us in an instant.  When the kids are sobbing because they want him home right this very minute, FaceTime comes to the rescue.  The fact that he can video chat with my kids while zooming down I-95 in New York when we are out here in California still amazes me.  And it makes the touring years just a little bit easier.

But there are also times when I feel like shoving my beloved iPhone in the trash can and leaving it there.  My freelance writing forces me to stay connected far more than this introverted soul would ever care to.  The distance from my family means all communication comes in the form of phone calls, text messages, and maybe a joke or two on Facebook.  Ring…ding…ping.  I despise the sounds of my phone and have silenced everyone but my husband at this point (it’s not you; it’s me).

Love it or not-so-love it, it’s here to stay.  And if current trends in education are any indicator, it will only become more prevalent.  But that doesn’t mean that we have to let it distract us.  We don’t have to let the constant sounds and interactions blur our experiences in the real world.  We don’t have to let distraction become the new norm.

Have you ever felt so glued to your virtual existence that you started to miss the beauty of the everyday?  You’re not alone – we’ve all had those moments at some point.

Rachel Macy Stafford had one of those moments (and then some), and, with what can only be described as raw bravery, wrote it all down.  In her new book, “Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters”, Stafford describes (in heartbreaking detail) her journey from a a distracted plugged in (and somewhat anxious) mom to a more calm and present mom.  The transformation is incredible.

Drawing on her personal experience, Stafford helps the reader learn how to find a better balance and live in the present while meeting personal goals.  It’s not about simply pulling the plug and giving it all up, it’s about learning to live with intention and learning to let go of unwanted (and unnecessary) distraction.

What is striking about Stafford’s journey is her brutal honesty, “Sometimes I don’t look away from my computer screen when my child enters the room.  Sometimes I pick up my children from extracurricular events or school while talking on the phone.  Sometimes the first thing my child sees in the morning is not my smiling face, but the top of my head as I send email messages or the back of my head as I watch the morning news.”  It’s not easy to confront those feelings, and it certainly isn’t easy to put them in writing.

In the beginning of the book, Stafford describes in great detail a sunset that she happened to catch while driving home from work one evening.  The sadness that she felt as she left her office that day was replaced with a feeling of hope as the sky opened up in front of her – the beautiful colors of the sunset restored her broken soul.  That particular sunset stayed with her for years to come, and she encourages readers to look for “Sunset Moments” in their own lives.

Stafford is keenly aware that it was pure chance that allowed her to witness that sunset on that particular evening, “By the grace of God, I was fully present and able to witness a once-in-a-lifetime Sunset Moment.  Because, truth be told, this extraordinary sight would have happened whether or not I’d taken the time to watch.”  And that is the key to appreciating life’s Sunset Moments:  Being present enough to take them in.

Providing a “Hands Free Weekly Intention” in each chapter, “Hands Free Mama” helps parents become less distracted and more present one small step at a time.  You’ll find inspiration in her stories and learn to let go of your own distractions as you work your way through her tips.

This book will change you, that much I can promise.  Whether you work through each tip week-by-week or revisit the nuggets of truth that grab your soul when you need to re-set, “Hands Free Mama” will help you refocus your energy on what really matters.

Buy your copy of “Hands Free Mama” on Amazon or at Barnes & Noble today, and be sure to check out her incredible Facebook community – where you can connect with other parents seeking a less distracted existence.  You can also follow Stafford’s blog for added inspiration.

Now get out there and catch a Sunset Moment!

 

And then there was a book…

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I have wanted to be an author since I was eight years old…

I remember sitting in my pink and green room, colors chosen for (not by) me, with a legal pad (borrowed from my dad – not a lawyer) and a pencil sharpened down to a nub writing one page stories about ghosts (always a topic of morbid fascination), friendship, and family.  I wrote until my hand began to ache, the words spilling out of me at an alarming rate.  It was never planned.  I don’t remember sitting around thinking about stories.  The words just came to me.

As I grew, my goals changed.  By my sophomore year in high school, I was determined to help kids.  A dear friend of mine had been through more than I could ever even begin to process.  I lived a fairly sheltered life during that time.  My parents were married.  My grandparents were alive.  Problems were hidden from the kids.  We were tasked with simply being kids.  But this friend of mine…she lived a different, far less sheltered life.  Although she didn’t know it, I worried about her a lot.  I wanted to help.  I wanted to erase her sadness.  I wanted to make it better.  To this day, she probably doesn’t know that she is the reason that I do what I do.

But I never stopped writing.  In high school, in college, and even in graduate school…I never stopped writing.  I wrote unfinished novels, unfinished nonfiction, and words meant only to heal my soul.  I wrote my way through my grief when my father died without notice.  I wrote my way through infertility, pregnancy loss, and just about everything else.  I just kept writing.

And then, one day, I started a blog.  Relying on my knowledge of child development and my expertise in parenting, I just kept writing.  You read it.  You shared it.  You asked for more.  So I kept writing.  With that, I revisited that lifelong goal of becoming a published author.  That little voice somewhere deep in my soul just kept whispering, “You can do this.”

I’m pleased to announce that dreams do come true.  I’ve worked hard.  I’ve worked late into the night and early in the morning.  I’ve fought hard to balance my writing, my clients, and my family, with my children always in the lead position.  And it all paid off.

If you’ve been around here for a while, you know that I’m committed to helping parents raise happy kids.  One topic at a time, I help parents focus on the positive and enjoy the parenting journey (that’s my goal, anyway).

What you don’t know is that I’ve been busy writing, editing, and, with the help of my incredible literary agent, submitting a proposal for a parenting book on this very topic.  “The Happy Kid Handbook:  How to Raise Cheerful Children in a Stressful World” will be published by Tarcher/Penguin!

Check out this amazing announcement in Publisher’s Marketplace:

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There will be countless thank you’s in the months to come…but for today I want to keep it simple.  A HUGE thank you to the following:

Lauren Galit at LKG Agency:  Lauren has believed in me from the very first moment we spoke on the phone.  It was an instant connection.  She has cheered me on, pushed me, and helped me find my way in this giant world of publishing.  Thank you seems insufficient…we did this together and I can’t even describe the gratitude that warms my heart every time I think of her, see her name pop up in my inbox, or laugh out loud at a text exchange that occurs at the perfect moment.  Lauren is so much more than a literary agent.  She is a visionary.

Sara Carder at Tarcher/Penguin:  Every writer dreams of finding the perfect editor for any given project.  I am lucky enough to have that particular dream come true.  Sara believes in the Happy Kid message.  She is full of positive energy and she genuinely wants to help me get this message to the world.  I am so very grateful for her support right out of the gate, and look forward to working with her along the way.  I do believe that Happy Kid is in the best possible hands with the best possible publisher.  For that, I am beyond grateful.

Sean Hurley:  I am not only lucky enough to be married to my best friend, but I am lucky enough to married to a man who believes in big dreams, love, and happiness.  Sean has supported me from the very first moment that I announced my intention to finally become a published author, almost three years ago.  He has cheered me on, held my hand, and pushed me when I need pushing.  He is the dream catcher of the universe, and that positive energy helped me find my way.

My kids:  I am lucky enough to have two incredible children who fill my soul with happiness each and every day.  That, above all, inspires me.

My readers:  YOU have made this blog what it is today.  You read, you share, you ask questions, and you come back for more.  What began as a tiny little blog in a huge blogging world has grown into a community of incredible parents – for that, I am grateful (and humbled).  Happy Kid is written with all of you in mind.

Stay tuned for updates and, of course, more articles and posts in all of my usual places.  And now…please excuse me while I chain myself to my laptop and finish writing this book!

Have a HAPPY day!

 

TIC Holiday 101: The Babysitter Checklist

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Holiday season is officially in full swing (we even have some cooler temperatures out here in SoCal to show for it), and today I have some important tips when it comes to leaving your kids with babysitters or other caregivers during holiday time.  This Target Inner Circle Holiday 101 post is written in support of Target’s My Kind of Holiday campaign, but the information is written specifically for all of you.

The holiday season brings endless to-do lists, multiple parties, and presents to purchase, wrap, and hide.  Chances are the you will need a babysitter a few times to give you some much-needed space to do all of that purchasing, wrapping, and hiding…and maybe even to attend a party or two without bringing the whole crew along.

Whether you rely on family, use a trusted babysitter who knows the kids well, or bring someone new into the mix (holiday time can make it difficult to book your favorites), it’s important to have a very specific plan and list of numbers at the ready.  Holiday season is also flu season, sleep deprivation season, and overstimulation season.  The more you prepare your caregivers, the better off your kids will be.  And it will also give you peace of mind.

Enter the babysitter checklist. A specific list of phone numbers, schedules, mealtimes, and other activities can truly east the transition and help keep your home happy and healthy.

The Babysitter Checklist 

  • Your mobile phone # (don’t assume it’s stored and/or easy to locate).
  • Your plan (where you’re headed, even if it includes multiple stops)
  • Pediatrician’s phone number including an after-hours line or procedure for paging
  • Your nearest PREFERRED urgent care center (include the phone number and directions)
  • Phone # for the nearest friend or relative who can be there in ten minutes or less.  Let them know they’re on call.
  • Phone numbers for poison control, local police department, and local fire department.  (Did you know that calling 911 from your mobile phone means the call bounces off the nearest tower and might not get to the nearest police station or fire department?  Program local #’s into your phone for faster response time.)
  • Medications your child needs (or might need) with SPECIFIC instructions
  • Location of medical items:  Thermometer, fever reducers, nebulizers, inhalers, etc.  Make it easy on them!
  • FOOD ALLERGIES!!!!!  List ALL food allergies, even if you think that your babysitter already knows them.
  • Approved snack list. This is particularly important for parents of children with food allergies.  Take the guesswork out of snack time by preparing the snacks ahead of time or posting an approved list on the fridge.
  • Bedtime routine:  Be specific here.  If your child likes three renditions of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star before bed, say that.  Exhaustion and overstimulation can trigger separation anxiety.
  • Favorite hiding places.  Some kids hide when they’re sad or worried.
  • Meal schedules.  Help reduce hunger-related meltdowns by sticking to a schedule.  Plan meals ahead and the time that your kids normally eat.
  • Downtime activities.  Babysitters and caregivers can be fun.  But when the fun never ends it can result in overstimulation and exhaustion.  Provide a list of quiet time activities and transitional activities to help the kids decompress.
  • Screen time rules:  Leave a list of approved TV shows and length of TV time allowed.

When it comes to downtime activities for the kids, Target has you covered with crafting kits and other art supplies.  Everything from gingerbread house kits to foam Santa’s Workshop kits will keep your kids crafting and calm while mom and dad are away!

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Time spent crafting and creating and having fun at home?  Now that’s #mykindofholiday!

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Little hands having fun always make a holiday merry and bright…

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What did I miss?  What’s on your babysitter checklist?

Disclosure:  As a member of the Target Inner Circle (TIC), I am given exclusive access to the brand and promotions so that I can get the information to you.  I was given crafting materials to get my kids in the holiday crafting spirit.  As always, all opinions in this post are my own.  



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