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Tech Time for Kids: Setting Limits

By on January 7, 2013

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We all know that we live in a tech savvy world.  Toddlers can navigate tablets and smart phones with alarming ease.  Sometimes that’s a really good thing, like when you have to take a very long flight and there’s a delay…on both ends.

 

If we choose to see the positive, and there are many, kids are learning some valuable tools with early exposure to technology, we can keep track of them when they are off with friends, and searching for a payphone in the case of an emergency is a thing of the past.

 

For the most part, I’m a fan of moderate use of technology for kids.  Moderate.  That’s the keyword.

 

The downside, of course, is that kids are becoming dependent on games, instant communication, and feedback.

 

Remember when you actually had to dial a phone number (fine motor skills), wait for the phone to ring 19 times (patience) before your best friend’s mom answered, had a five minute conversation with your best friend’s mom first because that was the polite thing to do (social skills), and then spoke to your friend?  Ah, the good old days.  Those days are gone.

 

Today kids text each other to make plans, they text each other during said plans, and they text each other in the dark when their parents think they are fast asleep.  They create secret email accounts to create Facebook accounts.  They create Instagram accounts (sometimes with parent permission) and secret Instagram accounts with those secret email accounts (you know, just in case they’re being watched).

 

And…they are addicted.

 

They are using Facebook and Instagram at all hours of the night.  They are posting pictures and status updates and checking every twenty minutes to see how many likes and comments they have received.

 

Instead of laughing and socializing and maybe even (dare I say it?) playing…they are wrapped up in technology and social media.  Their self-esteem is quickly becoming dependent upon how their “friends” respond to their pictures and updates.  They need to see it, so much so that they might very well stay up much later than their parents think just to check the results of the day.

 

It’s a dangerous game, this boundary-less use of technology for tweens, teens, and, in some cases, even school age kids.  It affects their social skills.  It affects their health (eye strain, anyone?).  And it affects their emotional well-being.

 

Below are a few tips for creating safe and healthy technology use in your home.

 

Set Limits:  Would you give your 16 year old the keys to your car and simply wish him well as he drove away without even asking where he was going or setting a curfew?  Probably not.  So why hand over a smartphone or tablet without setting any limits?  For preschoolers and young children set a timer (10 minutes in my house) and give warnings.  Some kids don’t transition well.  I usually say, “Finish what you’re doing” when the timer beeps.  Make sure they can see the timer.  For older kids and tweens have a specific window of time during the day when technology use is available.  Taking the guesswork out of it means fewer battles.  For teens – it’s not theirs to keep.  It’s on loan from you.  Make sure they hand it in at night and follow the rules in their school handbook if they take it to school. 

 

Never at the Table:  Not you.  Not them.  Meals are for talking and eating and being a family.  Put all technology on a counter out of eyesight and just enjoy mealtime together.

 

Model Healthy Habits:  I see more jokes on Facebook about toddlers and preschoolers referencing Facebook and Twitter.  Little kids don’t need to know about Facebook and Twitter.  And they certainly shouldn’t be looking over your shoulder!  Take a break.  Step back and check your own habits, and then move forward in moderation.  I’ve had to do that at times.  What I always find is that I don’t miss it.  Set limits for you.

 

Be Tech Savvy:  You have to stay one step ahead of your kids.  That’s your job.  Get your own accounts on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.  Stay ahead of the learning curve.  You can’t bury your head in the sand and let your kids wander off into this brave new world without you.  If you hand over the iPod, it’s up to you to know what you’re kids are doing with it.

 

Establish a Contract:  Be honest.  Let them know that you will be checking their usage, what they’re doing on the computer, iPod, iPad, etc, and that, ultimately, you are in charge of tech usage in your house.  Keep the lines of communication open, but be willing to set up a contract with your child.  You can’t protect your child from every little thing, including cyber bullying, but you can be aware of what’s happening when your child logs on to her various accounts.

 

Check-in Basket:  Keep a basket in your kitchen with a sign indicating that all friends coming by to hang out should leave their technology in there.  Some people like to argue that texting gives kids a new, less threatening, way to socialize.  But when a group of kids are sitting around a room texting other people, they are missing a huge opportunity to socialize in real time!  So what if it makes you the most unpopular mom on the block?  Tip:  There is no award for most popular mom anyway, and votes swing continuously.  Make them some brownies; they will love you again in an instant.

 

Central Charging Station:  Most kids won’t just turn in their electronic devices at night; you need to set the limit.  Choose a time (at least one hour before bedtime – 8pm is good) and have your kids turn in their technology.  The central charging station should be in the parents’ room to avoid temptation.  Prolonged screen time at night can cause eyestrain, sleep disturbance, and anxiety.  Establish the limit and stick to it.

 

Above all, remind your kids of the simple pleasures of life.  Too often we get wrapped up in what’s happening everywhere else and, in doing so, we miss out on the beauty right in front of us.  Practice enjoying the here and now.  Your kids will thank you for it one day.

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
1

Tragic Talk – The Connecticut School Shooting

By on December 14, 2012

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Bad things happen.  Terrible things happen.  Unspeakable things happen.  Things that no child should ever have to face happen.

 

As parents, we try our best to shield our little ones from the horrors of this world.  We protect them to the best of our abilities.  We teach them to look both ways, to yell no, to avoid strangers, and to hide under a table when the earth shakes.  We try to keep them safe and sound.

 

But then we send them out into the world.  We throw caution to the wind and trust that they will be safe at school, at dance class, during religious education, and even at the mall.  We trust one another.

 

Sadly, we live in world where a 24 year old man woke up this morning and killed his parents.  He then proceeded to the elementary school in Newtown, CT, where his mother was a Kindergarten teacher, and shot his way through the school.  He killed 27 people in that school today, 20 of them students under the age of 10.

 

Tomorrow morning, 20 families in CT will wake up with one less child.  20 families will not race around the house in search of their Elf.  And 20 families will no longer look for signs of the magic of the holiday season.  All because of one man…

 

This isn’t the first time tragedy has entered our classrooms, and it won’t be the last.

 

While some of you will simply to hold your kids close and avoid any discussion of it, many of you will have to talk about this very tragic event.

 

***While this event has us all in tears (and many of us in a panic), it is important to note that, according to the CDC, less than one percent of all homicides among school-age children happen on school grounds or on the way to or from school.***

 

Overall, the best thing you can do is to remain calm and reassuring in the face of your children.  While adults tend to react to events of this magnitude with shock, empathy, and then fears about their own families, children often jump straight to fears.  They are egocentric little beings, as well they should be, and this kind of event can strike fear into even the calmest child around.

 

AVOID media exposure:  The only information your children should have about this terrible tragedy should come directly from you.  Media exposure can, and will, increase anxious responses.  **Avoid discussing the events with other adults when your children are nearby.  You use much different language when talking to adults and children hear everything.  Save the debriefing for post bedtime.

 

Let them ask:  Resist the urge to begin firing off questions the minute you pick your child up today.  Let them come to you.  An event like this is very difficult for an adult to process, and nearly impossible for a child.  They need time.

 

Be honest:  The truth is that a child’s fantasy can often be more traumatic than reality.  What’s worse than a death toll of 27?  Step inside the mind of your child who only knows bits and pieces of the situation and you just might find out.  Be brief and stick to the facts when discussing a tragedy with your children.  Don’t try to lighten the language with the hope of skirting the issue.  They know the words “gun” and “death” and they are counting on you to help them through this.  Believe me, I know.  I would love to hide under a rock and protect my kids from the violence in this world too, but when it hits close to home you have to be honest.

 

Explain the crisis:  Give a brief explanation of what happened.  In this case, “a man entered an elementary school and used a gun to shoot people.  Kids and adults were hurt.  Some of them died.  We don’t know why he did it.”  Talk about how the school, the police, and the community are handling the crisis and helping the kids and families involved.  Kids need reassurance.

 

Provide reassurance:  Many kids will wonder about the safety of their own schools.  The truth is that we can’t make promises that we can’t keep.  But we can talk about protocol.  Get out your handbook and tell your child what your school does in the event of an emergency.  Explain that they keep the school locked, might have children sit under desks, and keep the hallways clear.  Remind your child of all the adults who work together in the school to keep kids safe.  And reference the statistics provided by the CDC (see above).  These events are large in our hearts, but infrequent in nature.

 

Discuss grief:  As adults we understand that grief comes and goes in waves and that it can include the following stages:  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  That’s a lot for a little kid to process.  Get out some paper and markers and draw.  Draw waves and explain that sometimes they might feel sad or angry and other times happy and calm.  That’s normal.  Draw blank circles and have your child fill in faces to depict the various feelings they might be experiencing.  Fill in yours too.  Talk about your own shifting emotions and how you might feel each day.

 

Discuss coping strategies:  Did you pick up the phone and call your mom the minute you heard the news?  I did.  Tell your children.  Talk about what you do to cope with feelings like sadness, anger, and confusion.  Normalize their need to yell, cry, tear up papers, or stomp their feet and clap their hands.  Your children learn how to cope with difficult events by watching you.  Teach them.  Model healthy coping strategies.

 

Open communication:  Make sure you keep the lines of communication open.  This will not be a one-time conversation, that much I can promise you.  Reassure your child that he can ask as many questions as he needs to and that you will answer them every single time.  You might not have all of the answers, but you can always listen and provide reassurance.  And “I don’t know” is a perfectly acceptable answer right now.

 

Expect nightmares:  Scary events cause scary dreams.  Be prepared for some long nights ahead, and try to remain patient.  During the night, provide reassurance and extra hugs and kisses.  Go when your child calls out for you.  During the day, ask your child to try to recall the nightmare.  Retell the story with your child, adding a “helper” to help stop the bad event in the dream (i.e. Dad comes in and saves the child from the fire).  Nightmares will resolve over time, but can stick around for weeks and even months.  Seek help if disrupted sleep continues and affects your child’s ability to attend school and other activities.

 

Acknowledge fears:  All feelings are ok and fears are very normal after a child witnesses or hears about a tragic event.  Avoid the urge to downplay your child’s fears.  Use play, drawing, painting, and role-play to help your child work through his fears.  Be patient.  Healing is a process.

 

Expect regression:  The feelings that result from an enormous tragedy often lead to regressed behavior.  Bedwetting, thumb sucking, baby talk, and clingy behavior can all be expected.  Continue to provide reassurance and keep your routine as close to normal as possible.  Structure = safety in the mind of a child.

 

Hold them close:  What’s better than a great big hug from your mom and dad when you’re feeling scared and overwhelmed?  Nothing.  Hold them close.  Be grateful.  Tell them how grateful you are.  Snuggle up, read books, or watch family movies.  Closeness helps children feel safe and secure.

 

Just a note on emotions…

Sometimes children display opposite emotions when in distress.  This is a very difficult scenario for a child to process.  Laughter or silly behavior should not be dismissed as a child who doesn’t care or doesn’t get it.  Many children laugh when anxious or confused.  Label feelings and remain patient.  Other children might have no immediate reaction at all.  This is also perfectly normal.  Give it time and check in later.  Some children need time to process their thoughts before they attempt to cope with their emotions.

 

On a personal note…

As many of you know, I was born and raised in Connecticut.  My heart is broken for the families affected by this shocking and senseless tragedy.  And today my heart is back home in Connecticut, praying for those who have to face an impossible future:  A future without their children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies
3

Tips for Empowering Girls

By on October 9, 2012

My birthday is right around the corner.  Like in a couple of days right around the corner.  And while I don’t usually celebrate my birthday (you might not know this, but my brother and I agreed to stay 29 forever.  Best pact I’ve ever made), I’m making an exception this year.

 

Not because it’s a big one.  Please, friends, don’t rush me into a new decade.  Let me enjoy my, ahem, late-ish thirties.

 

Not because I want presents.  Ok, maybe I’m just a little bit curious about the contents of the J.Crew box that arrived last night.  But it’s not about the presents.

 

And not because I do enjoy some Ducle de Leche cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory (hint, hint).  And a little Sterling Cabernet (hint, again).

 

None of those reasons stand out this year.

 

The reason I’m bringing my birthday out of retirement is that the United Nations declared October 11th the International Day of the Girl.  In doing so, the UN has established a day to recognize the rights of girls and the unique challenges that girls face across the world. The UN is committed to ending gender stereotypes, discrimination, violence, and economic disparities that disproportionately affect girls.

 

Now that’s a day I can get behind.

 

Before you start thinking that maybe these issues don’t affect your daughter(s), consider this:

 

In America, 1 in 4 girls do not graduate from high school.

 

And…

 

54% of 3-5th grade girls worry about how they look, and 37% worry about how much they weigh.

 

Are you ready to empower your girls?

 

Empowering our children starts at home.  We can’t avoid the difficult conversations with the hope that those issues will resolve themselves.  They won’t.

 

Body image begins to affect girls in 2nd and 3rd grade and, in some cases, even in preschool.

 

Bullying happens.  Admit it.  Look for the signs.  Be proactive.  Stand by your child.

 

The pressure to be perfect is as much external as it is internal.  Choose your words carefully.

 

Competition can be healthy, but it can also lead to undue pressure and poor choices (even on the field).

 

So what’s a mom to do?

 

Open the Lines of Communication:  Bottom line:  Your kids won’t talk if you won’t listen.  You can’t jump in with a quick fix every time a problem arises, and sarcasm and eye rolling (or very heavy sighs) will cause your child to shut down.  Listen before you respond.  Allow your child to vent and process her emotions.  Ask follow up questions.  Let your child know that you are there, without judgment, to listen and help at all times.

 

Start a Mother/Daughter Journal:  It’s no big secret that girls start talking less the older they get.  More often than not they are embarrassed or afraid to bring up difficult topics.  A mother/daughter journal on your daughter’s bedside table gives your daughter the opportunity and space to write you a note that you can read and respond to while she is at school.  Maybe it’s the highlights of the day, maybe it’s the latest trend that she just has to follow, maybe it’s the girl who bullied her during lunch…the back and forth without the fear of judgment gives your daughter an opportunity to feel heard.  Bonus:  It gives you time to think when difficult questions arise.

 

Volunteer Together:  Helping others is a great way to spend time together and feel good about something you’ve done.  Search for monthly volunteer opportunities and choose one that appeals to both of you.  Spend some time doing good to feel good together.  Quality time spent together is always a bonus.

 

Date Nights:  Schedule a weekly date night (or afternoon) with your daughter.  Being involved and present is the key to strengthening your bond, particularly when puberty hits.  Get your nails done, go out to lunch, walk on the beach…find a fun weekly activity and don’t cancel!  Our daughters need to know that they are a priority.  Show them by prioritizing special time.

 

Mother/Daughter Book Club:  Looking for a new way to instill a love of reading?  Organize a monthly book club with a few of your daughter’s friends and their mothers.  Have the girls take turns choosing the books and leading the discussion.  Reading with your daughter helps foster the relationship and keeps you involved in her interests.  Bonus:  Take turns creating healthy, fun snacks for book club to address good eating habits.

 

Watch What She’s Watching:  Kids are plugged in and tuned out today.  We live in a technological world, and that isn’t going away.  But that doesn’t mean you have to sit back and remain in the dark.  My mother watched every single episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 with me.  I have never forgotten that.  It helped us stay connected during those pesky teenage years.  Watch the shows that your daughter is so excited to see each week.  Discuss them.  Get excited with her.  If it’s important to her, it should be important to you too.

 

Peer Mentoring:  Some schools have peer-mentoring programs in place, but many do not.  Consider establishing a Big/Little Sister program in your daughter’s school to help girls support one another.  When girls are empowered to support one another, competition decreases.  Empower your girls.

 

Discuss Body Image & Bullying:  Girls think about appearance and weight.  This is a reality.  Girls worry about body image.  Girls bully other girls and tease them based on appearance.  I wish they didn’t, but they do.  Talk about it.  Discuss healthy choices.  Discuss the meaning of empathy and what to do when someone bullies.  Point out those ridiculous ads plastering the magazines and talk about reality versus professional touch ups.  Don’t be afraid to tackle the difficult subjects.  The more comfortable your daughter is in her own skin, the better she will be able to cope with the ups and downs.

 

I’ve said enough.  It’s up to you now.  And I’m off to eat that cheesecake…

 

Would you just do me one quick favor?  Please help me celebrate my birthday this year by empowering your girls and spreading the word about the International Day of the Girl.  Thank you, my friends.

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
11

The Summer Olympics: A Family Affair

By on July 30, 2012

I spent my childhood summers on the Connecticut shore.  From late June until the first day of school, we left our lives behind and enjoyed summer on the beach.

 

We enjoyed tennis, sailing, swimming until all hours, crabbing, climbing rocks, and, of course, sand castles galore.  The possibilities were endless.

 

We rode our bikes everywhere.  Apart from a grocery store trip here and there, we practically never got into the car.  We were surrounded by friends and given the freedom to go our own way in a little borough so safe that a parent was always nearby.

 

We were sun drenched and exhausted each night, having spent the day on the move.  So much so that TV was never necessary.  It wasn’t that restrictions were in place; it was simply that we didn’t crave it.  We were tired, content, and ready for sleep.

 

There was no battle to decrease screen time.  Sure, we watched the occasional show but, for the most part, we enjoyed the quiet.

 

Except during the summer Olympics.  During those summers, my mom would tune in a bit and show us various competitions.  We cheered for our athletes and watched in awe as those incredible men and women pushed themselves to new heights.

 

I loved every second of it.  And, I believe, I learned a lot from the Olympics.  I learned about following dreams, teamwork, and hard work.  I learned about optimism, sportsmanship, and setting goals. I learned about togetherness.

 

Fast forward to today.  Screen time is scheduled in our house.  Unless sickness descends upon us, our kids only tune in at certain times each day.  It works for us.  Sometimes a little too well (a mom needs to shower once in a while).  They don’t ask for more and they don’t protest when I hit the off switch.  They know the limits.

 

But this summer, I am happy to tune in a little extra.  This summer, I am happy to teach my kids the lessons I learned from Olympics past, and cheer on our athletes as much as possible.  As a result, Riley is planning our own backyard Olympics for this weekend.  She’s caught Olympic fever, for sure.

 

Below are five good reasons to tune in as a family this summer:

 

Promoting togetherness:  Chances are that when your five year old is glued to Jake and the Neverland Pirates you are probably washing dishes, folding laundry, and maybe even returning an email or two.  You’re probably not sitting side by side discussing the plotline of the show.  When you watch Olympic events as a family, you are actively engaged with your children during screen time.  You can discuss the various competitions and cheer for your country together.  There is a reason people throw parties to watch major sporting events:  It builds community and increases the fun factor.  Cheer together, learn together, and enjoy the experience together.

 

Geography:  Watching the parade during the opening ceremonies reminded me that I really need to brush up on my geography.  One thing that I love about the Olympics is that people from across the globe come together to compete.  Use this opportunity to teach your children about different countries and cultures.  Better yet, have a few International days:  Try some new foods, learn some key phrases, and pull up some pictures to show the kids the landscape.  Learn together.

 

Teamwork and rules:  I truly love the depth of competition during the Olympics.  I also love that even the individual athletes are competing for a common goal.  They each represent their country.  It’s powerful, when you stop to think about it.  Take this opportunity to highlight moments of teamwork.  Look up the rules of each sport to help your children understand how the competitions work.  Talk about working together to achieve victory.  Some people complain that there isn’t enough competition for kids these days, while others complain that there is too much.  In watching the Olympics, you have the perfect opportunity to show your kids what teamwork and sportsmanship look like.

 

Perseverance:  You don’t get to the Olympics by quitting when the going gets tough.  You have to work through the struggles and give it your all every day.  Talk to your kids about what it takes to become an Olympic athlete.  All of these athletes started out in the kiddie pool as toddlers, but they worked and persevered until their dreams came true.  The Olympics are an excellent lesson in determination.

 

Optimism:  It takes a positive attitude to reach difficult goals.  You have to believe in yourself and trust that your hard work will be rewarded.  Teach your children about the power of positive thinking.  Record some of the athlete interviews that highlight their childhood dreams.  This is a great opportunity to show our children that dreams are worth fighting for.

 

And then get out there and organize your own backyard Olympics…you can even download medals here!

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
4

When in Doubt, Hug it Out

By on July 26, 2012

I’m sure you hugged your kids today.  You probably even hugged them a few times.  Hopefully you hugged them at least more than once.  But if you stop to think about it, I mean really think about it, how many times did you hug your kids today?

 

When babies are in utero, we carry them around in the safety of our wombs for about 40 weeks.  Safe in snug in that warm little space, we nurture them with the food we eat while they grow and develop.  We talk to them, we sing to them, and, instinctively, we rub our bellies.

 

When they finally make their way into this shockingly cold world, we wrap them up tight and keep them safe and warm.  And we hold them constantly because the simple act of touch can soothe a newborn in an instant (most of the time, anyway).

 

We continue to hug them and hold them as they begin to grow into toddlers and explore the world around them.  We kiss their boo boos, hug away their tears, and rub their backs as they fall asleep.

 

From that first moment of conception, babies are conditioned to rely on touch as measure of comfort.  They trust that we will be there for them, both emotionally and physically, when the going gets tough and times are good.  They crave that interaction.  They reach out to us, crawl toward us, and slobber us with big, wet kisses.

 

They are soothed by the familiar touch of a parent.

 

But a strange thing sometimes happens when children grow older.  Some parents start to pull away from physical affection when children become more independent.  Boundaries shift.  Hugs and kisses become less frequent (particularly in the United States, according to some research).

 

It’s a shame, really, because so much good can come from the simple act of hugging, hand holding, and even just a pat on the head.

 

Research shows that touch decreases stress hormones and activates the brain’s orbitofrontal cortex – the area of the brain linked to feelings of reward and compassion.

 

The latest research into the healing power of touch points to many benefits, including:  Decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety, increased attention/focus, decreased stress, more cooperation, better immune system functioning, and even increased weight gain in premature infants (as studied by Tiffany Field) to name a few.

 

While much of the research indicates increased positive reactions when touch is provided by a loved one, one study even found that a friendly pat provided by a teacher resulted in students being three times as likely to speak up in class (Nicolas Gueguen).

 

Bottom line:  Kids need touch.  We all need touch, really.

 

Below are five reasons to hug your kids more and more each day:

 

Belonging:  Hugs, kisses, and physical affection between a parent and child increase that child’s feeling of belonging and trust.  In short, it helps them feel safe.

 

Conveys compassion:  When you hug your child often (not just when times are tough) you show your child that you care.  As John Mayer recently wrote, “When you show me love, I don’t need your words…love is a verb”.  You have to show it, every day.

 

Decreases stress:  Research shows that physical touch decreases stress hormones, but you don’t need to read the research to make sense of this one.  You know that moment when your sad/overwhelmed/frustrated child melts into your arms and finally lets it all out?  That’s the power of a hug.  That’s stress relief.

 

Bonding and communication:  Hugging and other forms of physical affection are known to increase bonding between parents and children and improve communication.  It makes sense.  The closer we feel, the more open we are to verbalizing our feelings, needs, and desires.

 

Increased immunity and resilience:  Hugging your kids more often can help them become more resilient to stress and improve their immune systems.  It’s true.  Who doesn’t want healthier kids who are better able to cope with stress?

 

Everybody needs a hug now and then, but if you give and receive hugs often…you just might find that your whole family will be better for it.  So get out and there and hug your kids today!  (8-12 times per day, at least.)

 

Incidentally, kids who are deprived of physical affection can become porcupine-like and recoil at the slightest act of touch.  Isn’t that heartbreaking?  Let’s put an end to that, shall we?

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
3

Beyond the Pencil Grip: Tips for Kindergarten Prep

By on July 24, 2012

You are always welcome to Pin my posts…

It’s almost that time of the year again…the time when parents everywhere start questioning whether or not their kids are truly ready for Kindergarten.

 

You can search for “signs of Kindergarten readiness” and find several well-organized lists of skills that most Kindergarten hopefuls have mastered.  You can print them out, check them off, and feel good for a minute when you realize that your child can hold a pencil, identify several shapes and colors, and recognize her name on paper.

 

 

But the truth is that all kids are different, and scoring well on a checklist doesn’t necessarily paint the complete picture.

 

Emotional readiness plays a HUGE role in Kindergarten.  Many kids will shift from small preschool classrooms to much larger Kindergarten classrooms.  They are not as likely to receive the same 1:1 interaction to which they’ve grown accustomed.

 

That doesn’t mean that they aren’t ready; it simply means that you need to prepare.

 

Riley, the life of the party at home, is quiet in large groups and reluctant to assert her needs, even when under stress.  She would rather move on in silence than have all eyes on her.  While she is more than ready for the intellectual stimulation of Kindergarten, we are spending this summer working on her emotional readiness.  It’s tough being an introvert in an extroverted world…believe me, I know.

 

Below are a few tips to help increase your child’s emotional readiness for Kindergarten:

 

Express emotions:  In this results oriented world full of competitive child rearing, sometimes teaching feelings identification is forgotten.  The truth is that kids need to learn how to label and express their feelings so that they do not resort to hitting, punching, biting, or screaming.  Slow down when you read and point out facial expressions.  Talk about how the characters in the book can ask for help, feel better, and get their needs met.  Invest in a feelings faces chart or make your own with a snapshots of your child acting out various feelings (or have your child draw them).

 

Ask for help:  Assertiveness can be difficult for adults, so it stands to reason that it seems impossible for some kids.  Kindergarten students need to be able to ask for help when the going gets tough, both with academics and social issues.  Praise your child when she asks for help.  Practice with relatives, friends, and neighbors.  When you see your child struggling to seek help, get low, whisper words of encouragement, and help her find her voice.

 

Practice delayed gratification:  It’s no big secret that larger classrooms = increased wait time.  Despite what you might hear on the playground, the vast majority of Kindergarteners do not understand the concept of time just yet.  If you have an impatient youngster on your hands, now is the time to start practicing delayed gratification.  Try to avoid the infamous, “just a minute”, and be specific instead.  Use the timer on your phone or, better yet, a sand timer or kitchen timer to teach your child the meaning of three minutes, five minutes, ten minutes, etc.  While she waits, provide gentle reminders that you will be there when the timer beeps.

 

Focus on cooperative group play:  Due to her reluctance to assert her thoughts, needs, and feelings in large groups, Riley tends to get lost in the crowd.  Group activities are often the focus of Kindergarten.  It’s a good time to organize small playgroups at your house.  Have a few activities available (board games, art projects, doll house) but step back and let the kids direct the play.  Be available to help, but encourage the kids to compromise.  The more they practice working in groups before the start of school, the more comfortable they will feel when school actually begins.

 

Teach social skills:  Some kids will know several other kids in the classroom from preschool, while others will feel like the new kid.  The first day of a new classroom can be overwhelming at best.  Trust that the teachers will spend those first few days helping the kids connect and make friends, but prepare your child in advance.  Let your child show her personality.  Let her choose her clothes, backpack, and school supplies.  Use visits to the park to practice making introductions, playing together, and asking questions.  Teach your child to look for a friendly face.  It’s always tempting to dress our kids to perfection on the oh-so-important first day, but when you’re forced to be someone else, it can be very difficult to truly make a friend.  Let your child shine.

 

A couple of details to teach your child:

*Your (and your spouse’s) first and last name

*Home address (# and street)

*Phone number

*Any allergies

 

Your child will learn how to draw shapes, identify colors you’ve never even heard of, and probably read.  Try not to worry about where your child falls on the academic spectrum and focus on building up her emotional readiness instead.  She will thank you for it (someday).   

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
4

Fourth of July Safety Tips for Families

By on July 3, 2012

With the Fourth of July just around the corner, families everywhere are preparing for picnics, pool parties, parades, beach days, and fireworks.  While Independence Day is generally a fun-filled day of family activities, it can be challenging to keep toddlers and young children safe.

 

We will be headed to the festivities in the park in our little town…which stops feeling little when absolutely everyone is in one place!  Cue the mini panic attacks and desperate attempts to keep one hand on each kid at all times!

 

Warm temperatures, crowded parades, overcrowded pools and beaches, and fireworks can put children at risk for injury.

 

The best way to keep your kids safe, of course, is close supervision at all times.

 

Below are a few tips to help you keep your toddlers and young children safe this Fourth of July:

 

Prevent Heat Exhaustion:  Soaring temperatures and prolonged periods of sun exposure put toddlers at risk for heat exhaustion.  Without proper hydration, toddlers can overheat very quickly and become lethargic.  Provide plenty of water, seek shade as much as possible, and take breaks from the festivities to spend time indoors.  A cranky toddler is a toddler who needs a break.  Pay attention to changes in behavior and demeanor.  My kids are really good water drinkers…but sometimes adding a slice of strawberry to the water makes it a little more festive and helps it go down faster.

 

Prevent Sunburn:  You don’t need the sun to get sunburn.  This is especially true for toddlers and young children.  Dress your children in light, long sleeved clothing, wide brimmed hats, and apply SPF 30 every two hours.  Again, take breaks from the sun to avoid excessive exposure.  For the life of me, I can’t get Liam to wear a hat these days…but hats and sunglasses are great and necessary for adequate sun protection.

 

Practice Swim Safety:  Pools and beaches are often overcrowded on the Fourth of July, and children can go under very quickly.  Be prepared to keep a very close eye on your toddler.  You should always have one hand on a toddler or young child who can’t swim independently while in a pool or the ocean.  Floaties do not replace hands on supervision.  Brush up on your CPR and rely on one parent per child supervision when possible.  Even when a child recovers from being submerged, long-term neurological damage can occur.  Don’t take chances.  We try to get to our local pool early to avoid the crowd…and who wants to be out during the hottest hours of the day, anyway?

 

Practice Grill Safety:  It’s no big secret that grills become very hot to the touch very quickly.  Put one person in charge of the grill and consider surrounding the grill with a child safety gate to prevent accidental burns.  Never leave a hot grill unattended.

 

Fireworks Safety:  Fireworks are banned in many places for good reason.  Most parents don’t realize that even a sparkler can reach temperatures of 1000 degrees or more and light clothing on fire.  Leave the fireworks to the professionals.  Never give a sparkler or other firework to a child (they often hold sparklers too close to their bodies).  Find a local firework display, pack a picnic, and keep a safe distance while you enjoy the show.  Lucky us…the fireworks land on our roof!  We will be watching from the balcony while willing the kids to just keep sleeping…

 

Create a Safety Plan:  Large crowds, parades, and ample distractions can lead to parent-child separations.  It’s best to have to safety plan in place.  Teach your child to look for a police officer or another mommy with young children to seek help if lost or confused.  Set a designated meeting place that is easily identifiable to your child.  Keep cell phones charged and consider allowing older children to carry a cell phone during crowded events.  Toddlers are easily distracted and they tend to wander.  A buddy system is always a good idea.  I really do worry about big crowds and constant distractions for kids (light wands, cotton candy, win a fish…stick close and keep it short for the little ones).

 

The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays.  I love the parades, the picnics with friends and family, and the late night firework displays.  And when I follow these safety tips for my kids, I know that they can have a fun and safe holiday too.

 

How do you celebrate the Fourth of July?

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies
1

Relaxing Stories and Dream Discs

By on June 21, 2012

Give credit where credit it due:  Riley took one of my sleep strategies and renamed it…and even added one important feature!

 

When we have infants, we are conditioned to believe that once those infants reach a certain age they will magically start sleeping through the night.  And once they do, we will never even remember the sleepless nights.

 

But then they become toddlers and things like growth spurts, developmental milestones, and teething keep them awake at night.

 

And once we conquer that, they become preschoolers.  Now they have real fears, like the dark, monsters, and ghosts.  And even though they separate beautifully at preschool, they suddenly need us by their sides at night.  And let’s not forget about the nightmares that result from the combination of active imaginations and a constant stream of new information.

 

Yes, preschoolers do their best processing at night.  In the dark.  When they are the most vulnerable.

 

Enter the Relaxing Story and the Dream Disc.

 

Riley is no stranger to nightmares, and she tends to get nervous when the lights go down.  We have a very specific routine in place to help give her some control over her nighttime worries.  The Worry Box, in particular, works wonders for an anxious mind.

 

But the Relaxing Story and the Dream Disc have given Riley a new feeling of control over her nighttime fears.  They go a little something like this:

 

Each night after I turn off Riley’s lights, wrap her in her quilt, and give her hugs and kisses, I lie on the floor next to her bed and tell her a relaxing story.

 

She chooses the destination.  It might be a walk on the beach, a trip to the duck pond, or a picnic at the park…whatever makes her feel calm.

 

In a very quiet and somewhat boring voice (never loud voices after the lights go down) I make up a story for her.  I cue her to take deep breaths along the way.  I point out relaxing stops along our journey (a waterfall, a rose garden) and mention relaxing activities (burying our feet in the sand, noticing a cool ocean breeze on our cheeks).

 

The story lasts about five minutes, sometimes less.  I end each story with the words, “and now it’s time for Mommy and Riley to go to sleep.”

 

And for a long time, I would lean in close and whisper, “let’s think of a great dream for you tonight.”

 

Until Riley invented the Dream Disc.

 

She approached me one morning, her eyes brimming with pride, and exclaimed, “I have a great new idea!  It’s called a Dream Disc!”

 

And this is how it works:

 

She imagines that all of her favorite relaxing stories are stored on compact discs on an imaginary shelf above her bed.  She can list them off without stopping to think.  It’s fascinating, really.  When she needs a good dream to help her get to sleep she simply chooses a disc and plays it on the disc player in her mind.

 

Do you love the imaginary thinking of a 5 year old?!!!

 

The dream discs give her some control over her nighttime worries.  Not only can she choose to have a good dream, but she can choose which good dream to have.  She feels a little less alone this way, and she drifts off to sleep without any worries.

 

The Dream Disc.  Genius.

 

Go ahead.  Tell a relaxing story, have your child choose a dream disc, and enjoy a calmer bedtime experience tonight.

 

You won’t regret it.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner

Tips for Teaching Kids about Strangers

By on June 15, 2012

Just the very thought of teaching stranger danger ignites panic for most parents of young children.  As adults, we know too much.  We know, for example, that while we want to find the good in people…some people just aren’t that good.

 

Children come in contact with strangers every day.  They see them at the park, they see them at the grocery store, they even see them at school drop off and pick up.  When you really stop to think about it, children are surrounded by strangers.

 

Not all strangers are bad, but not all strangers are good either.

 

Many preschoolers become acutely aware of strangers at around age 5, whether or not they have learned the difference between good and bad strangers.  While they tend to become fiercely independent as they near age 5, they also become more aware of their surroundings.

 

Right on cue, Riley became weary of being separated in public at exactly age five.  I’ve always kept a close eye on her while out in the world, but suddenly she started keeping an eye on me too.  Just the other day she lost track of me at the bookstore.  In a panic, she screamed my name and jumped to her feet.  I had moved just three feet to the left.

 

It is essential to teach preschoolers about strangers and how to react when confronted with a suspicious stranger.

 

Below are some tips to do just that:

 

Use Age Appropriate Language:  It’s important to teach kids about strangers, but young children do scare easily.  Use language appropriate to the age of the child and take breaks to make sure your child understands.  Answer and welcome all follow-up questions.

 

Define Stranger:  A stranger is someone your family doesn’t know well.  You see strangers out in public, you see strangers at religious services, and you even see strangers at your front door.  It is difficult to tell if a stranger is good or bad simply by looking at him or her, so it’s important to be careful around all strangers.

 

Identify Good Strangers:  Children need to know who they can trust should they become separated from you in public.  They also need to be reassured that not all strangers are bad.  Police officers, firefighters, teachers (at school), nurses (at school or in a hospital), doctors (in a hospital or other medical setting), librarians, and store clerks are all people to approach for help should a separation occur.

 

Teach Don’ts:  Your child should never accept candy or a ride from a stranger, leave school, the park, or your home with a stranger even if that stranger says that mom sent him/her, converse with a stranger who makes him feel uncomfortable, hold hands with or sit on the lap of a stranger.

 

Teach About Suspicious Behavior:  Teach your children that adults are not always right.  An adult should never ask a child to break a rule, keep a secret, or do something without permission.  These are red flags that should signal children to seek help.

 

Teach Physical Boundaries:  All children need to know that their bodies are private and not to be touched by other adults.  All children need to know that an adult should never hurt theirs bodies or make them feel uncomfortable about their bodies.  Use correct terminology when talking about genitals and teach your children that no adult should touch a child’s genitals (unless it is during a doctor’s examination with parent permission).  And, please, let them use the bathroom alone at home!

 

Empower Them:  As much as children need to know what to look out for, they also need to have a plan.  No, Yell, Run, Tell is a simple plan that even the youngest preschooler can remember.  Children need to know that they can say no to adults, they have the right to make a scene in public if something is wrong, and it is acceptable to run from an uncomfortable situation.  **Make sure they know your first and last name and their home address.

 

Open Door Policy:  Make sure that your children understand that they can always tell you anything, no questions asked.  Young children fear being reprimanded for poor choices.  Pleasers by nature, they don’t like to disappoint their parents.  They need to know that all thoughts and feelings are ok in your house.  They need to know that they can count on you.

 

Teach Assertiveness:  Children need to understand that they can speak up to adults.  Adults are not always right, after all.  Practice in benign situations.  After two days of role-play, Riley just spoke up at school today to let her teachers know that she can have crackers with wheat in them, despite her allergies.  I praised her for the act of asserting her needs.  Over and over again!

 

Instincts:  Teach your kids to trust their instincts.  If something doesn’t feel right or makes them feel uncomfortable, they should run from the situation and seek help.

 

Role-Play:  Young children learn best through practice.  Role-play various situations at home:  A stranger offers a ride, a stranger asks for help locating a lost kitten, a stranger shows up at school and says mom sent me, etc.  Puppets are another great way to practice difficult situations.

 

Consider a Code:  Create a secret code word for your family that stays within your family.  In the event that you do have to send an aunt, neighbor, or friend to pick up your child at school, your child should ask that person to say the secret code word first.  That’s the cue that it is ok to leave with that person.

 

For Parents: 

  • Point out safe places at the mall, the park, the grocery store, etc. so that your child knows where to go in the even of a separation
  • Keep a visual on your child at all times when out in public
  • Teach safety in numbers
  • Keep an approved and updated emergency contact list at school or day care
  • Do not let your children answer the front door alone, even when guests are expected
  • Make sure your child knows his home address and your first name
  • Teach your child to call 911 in an emergency

 

“The Berenstein Bears and The Stranger” by Stan and Jan Berenstein is a great book about understanding the difference between good and bad strangers.

 

Have you taught stranger danger yet?

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies, The Big Kid Corner
8

Preventing the Summer Slide

By on June 10, 2012

Reading has always been my go-to coping strategy.  Some prefer TV, some prefer the solace of a dark movie theatre, and some prefer to write their troubles away.  But I have always found my escape within the pages of a good book.  I get lost in the characters and leave my own troubles behind.

Part of that is due to my early love of reading.  My mother loved trips to the library when we were young.  We had a beautiful library in my hometown, and the children’s department was incredible.  I remember attending story hour, puppet shows, and even movies on a rainy day.  I remember walking through the children’s stacks, searching through hundreds of titles in search of just the right book.  I remember the feeling of independence as my mom stood back and just let me be.  And I recall the feel of the slightly worn covers as I clutched them close to my chest, breathing in the scent of reading.  I loved those trips to the library.

For my family, those library trips occurred year round.  Perhaps more often during school vacations and summer break, but we always made time for reading.

With summer vacation on the horizon, it’s a good idea to think about summer reading.  Kids are busier today than they used to be.  Between camps, sports, and social engagements, reading can sometimes be forgotten.  Enter the summer slide.  Did you know that your kids might actually lose some of that knowledge that they worked so hard to learn throughout the school year during summer vacation?  It can happen.  But it doesn’t have to.  There are so many ways to make reading fun!

My friend Soleil Moon Frye is working with Target to spread the word about preventing the summer slide and putting the fun back into reading.

I chatted with Soleil to hear some of her thoughts about getting creative with reading this summer.  This is what she had to say:

Doesn’t she just make you want to close that computer screen and head to your nearest library?  (But don’t leave me just yet, or you will miss the giveaway!)

Tips for Preventing the Summer Slide:

Make it fun:  When you create a fun art or cooking project to accompany a book, reading the book becomes that much more exciting.  Kids will anticipate how they will create their projects or what their feast will look like.  Reading doesn’t have to be just about reading…it can provide the basis for entire day of fun!

Take field trips:  Even with very young toddlers, you can take trips to act out the books.  A trip to the Aquarium is made that much more fun when you’ve just read Curious George Visits the Aquarium and can reference it along the way.

Take it outside:  Kids love to be outside in the summer and we love to have them outside.  Create a little outdoor reading nook for some outdoor downtime, or just spread a blanket on the grass and read side by side.  Fresh air and a good book is a powerful combination!

And now for some exciting news for all of you…

Target wants me to give you a couple of prizes:  One lucky reader will win a $50 gift card to Target, and another lucky reader will win 10 books!

And I will make this very, very easy on you.  This is all you have to do to enter:

One Entry:  Leave a comment here to tell me what steps you will take to avoid the summer slide.

Second Entry:  Leave a second comment here to tell me about your favorite childhood book.

What are you waiting for?

This contest will close on June 18, 2012.  Winners will be chosen by a random number generator and notified by email.

Disclosure:  Target provided me with these giveaway packages to share with my readers at no cost.This sweepstakes is only open to U.S. residents 18 years or older. Please note that we cannot ship product to a P.O. Box. 

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Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting Strategies
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