Support, Don’t Hover, to Raise Independent Kids

helicopter

Sometimes it feels like parenting is a no-win situation these days. If you stick too close, you’re a helicopter. If you hang too far back, you’re not engaged. If you let your kids ride their bikes alone, you might even be reported for neglect. Okay, maybe that last one is a little bit extreme, but you get the point.

Parents are constantly under a microscope today. Parents read articles and books on parenting to gather information and perhaps solve a few parenting mysteries (we all have them from time to time). That’s a good thing. The flip side is that input is everywhere…even when you’re not looking for it. That’s not such a good thing. That can damage the self-esteem of the parent. That can cause parents to question their instincts. That can cause arguments and frustration.

New research, for instance, shows that “helicopter parenting” is detrimental to kids no matter how loving the parents are. This particular study shows that children raised by controlling parents are actually less engaged in the classroom. While the researchers thought they might find that love and support neutralized the controlling behavior, they didn’t.

The quick takeaway, of course, is that helicopter parenting is no good. But what does that actually mean?

For purposes of the study, the researchers defined “helicopter parenting” as engaging in over-involved habits such as solving problems for kids or making decisions for them.

The term “helicopter parent” first appeared in a book in 1969, referring to a parent of a teen who hovers too close. It gained steam in the 2000’s as college deans reported such behaviors as parents looking to get grades changed and calling to wake college kids for classes. I’m not sure my parents even knew when my classes were when I was in college – I can’t imagine a daily wake-up call.

Somewhere along the line, “helicopter parenting” trickled down to parents with younger children. Today, if you stay too close, according to the judgment of another, you’re a helicopter. I get tons of questions from confused parents – they want to do their best to love and support their kids, but they don’t want to hang too close and cause problems by “hovering”. Sigh.

Young children need parental support. They need help and guidance along the way. Do they need you to solve every problem? Of course not! Do they sometimes need help brainstorming problem solving strategies? Absolutely.

The best advice I can give on this one is to strike the term “helicopter parenting” from your vocabulary. It’s overused and often misused, and that’s a problem.

Beyond that, try this:

Trust your instincts.

You know your family better than anyone else. Some kids need close supervision at the park, while others need room to spread their wings and fly. I know, for instance, that my daughter can climb super high and never fall but if my son follows her I need to trail him – he often catches up to her only to realize that he doesn’t love heights. I also know that my kids have potentially fatal food allergies, so all parties require close supervision.

Trust your parental instincts. You know what your kids need and how to fulfill those needs. If you worry about what others think, you might not make the best choices for your family. Stay focused on your own family and tune out the white noise.

Talk about feelings.

Kids need to be able to experience and cope with frustration, anger, sadness, and every other feeling that comes up throughout the day. Too often parents jump in to solve a problem so that kids don’t have to experience big emotions.

Emotions are good and all feelings matter. Talk about the feelings that occur when something is hard or just out of reach. Let your child cry and express her emotions as she sees fit. Then label those feelings, talk about what caused them, and discuss ways to feel calm.

Problem solve together.

Solving every problem for your child leads to learned helplessness. Solving problems with your child provides guidance and support while empowering your child to become a problem solver.

Brainstorm together. Ask leading questions, but don’t provide the answers. We all have moments when we need sometime to listen and provide support, right? Kids feel the same way. Sometimes they need someone to sit close and listen while they try to find a solution.

Listen.

Listen for the sake of listening, not for the sake of crafting the perfect response. Too often we get caught up in partial listening – we listen to respond. The best listeners, however, need time to respond. They need time process what was said and respond when they have something thoughtful to add to the conversation. The best listeners…listen.

Listen to what your kids say. Let the feelings and emotions hang in the air for a moment. Sit with them. Experience them. Take the time to empathize before you problem solve. When your children learn that they won’t break every time they experience big emotions, they will be better equipped to cope with the hard stuff along the way.

Make time for play.

Kids learn a lot from free play. They learn to solve problems. They learn to resolve conflict. They learn to cope with emotions. Play is the business of childhood – make time for it.

For more on the importance of free play, check out these articles:

Parents, Are Your Kids Getting Enough Free Play Time?

5 Ways Even Working Parents Can Factor in More Free Play

Why Free Play Is Important During the Summer

How to Handle Conflict With Your Spouse

healthycommunication

One of my editors asked me to write an article about handling the conflict that naturally arises during a marriage.  Arguments happen – that doesn’t mean that a relationship isn’t working.  In fact, learning to work through conflict with your spouse actually helps you learn to cope with frustration and disappointment in other areas of your life.  So that silly argument about the dishes that never get done the other day?  That can actually help you out.  Go ahead, air your dirty laundry when you need to – it’s for the greater good.

The problem with conflict, however, is dealing with it when one or both partners rely on maladaptive coping strategies.  There are right and wrong ways to handle a conflict, and if you haven’t practiced adaptive coping strategies, chances are you will get stuck in a negative loop that leads to increased anger and resentment.  That’s not good for a marriage (or a friendship or a sibling relationship…)

While my editor asked me to write about couples, I do believe that most of the information applies to any number of relationships – friends, siblings, parents, relatives…we all have ups and downs along the way.  How we choose to handle those obstacles, however, can make or break a relationship.

When people end up in my office to work through conflict and frustration, I always ask them two questions:  What is your role in the conflict and what are your go-to coping styles?  The truth is that even if something is 99% the fault of the other person, there’s still that 1% waiting to be claimed.  You can’t change other people, but you can grab your 1% and find healthy alternatives.

Adults tend to establish patterns when it comes to relating to others.  Even if a go-t0 strategy isn’t working, they might continue to use it because it’s become second nature.  It’s important to take the time to evaluate your communication style and coping strategies and find ways to make improvements.  No one is perfect, after all.

There are a few red zones to look for when it comes to maladaptive coping strategies.

  • Do you rely on the silent treatment when angry?
  • Do you look for areas of weakness to bring the other person down?
  • Do you play the blame game?
  • Do you involve third parties to find support?

If any of these sound familiar, please head over to SafeBee and check out 4 Ways to Argue More Fairly.  The article includes reasons behind the maladaptive strategies and tips for breaking negative patterns of communication.

Communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  You might not be able to changes others, but you can always make changes that benefit the relationships that mean the most to you.  Enjoy!